Divorce Wars - What to Do When Your Ex Is a Destructive Victim

How is it possible that 3 men show up in my (Bob’s) relationship coaching practicewith virtually the same story? They’re all separatedwithin the last two years. They all have 2 children who are still in school and who live primarily with their ex-spouse, as dictated by the ex-spouse. They all have new partners in their life that also have their own children. And the one thing that they all have that makes them more alike than I wish for anyone is that all the ex-spouses are behaving in extremely destructive, victimized ways. I've heard of these types of situations where the kids are used as pawns and can even be brainwashed to believe their father is the reincarnation of the devil and I didn't think I'd see three of these situations show up at the same time. I know that this situation also arises, though not as commonly, in reverse – where children are being brainwashed into believing their mother is the reincarnation of the devil. I could spend time here wondering about what's going on inour world that this situation appears to be becoming more prevalent or I could focus my attention on what people can do in these situations. Since the latter actually offers the possibility of making a difference I'll choose it! Step 1 – Get Clear on Whose Issue This Is Get really clear that your ex-spouses behaviour has nothing to do with you. Turns out they would behave this way regardless of who their ex-spouse was – unfortunately it happens to be you. You just happen to be the lightning rod for their vitriolic outbursts. Since most people aren't born this way something must have happened to your ex-spouse along their journey that results in this reaction inside their adapted mind. It's like they've had a hand grenade sitting inside them their whole life and when you decided to leave you unknowingly pulled the pin and took it with you. And like all hand grenades you only have so much time to get away otherwise you’re bound to get hurt. Once you see that this is just who this person has always been deep down inside then you can realize that their attacks are not personal. Their actions have no bearing on whether you are a good or bad person or parent. Their behaviours don't indicate that you should have known better or that you're a bad chooser. You couldn't have known and you need to let all the abusive comments you make to yourself about yourself drop by the wayside. Step 2 – Get Clear on What You Can and Cannot Control Your actions and reactions are yours to choose. How you respond to comments, criticisms and changing plans are your choice. Take the extreme situation where there is parental alienation syndrome, where one parent works to alienate the child from the other parent. The more you engage with someone who is psychologically troubled when you are not a certified therapist the worst off you are. According to Jayne A. Major, Ph.D., parents who have successfully fought parental alienation syndrome initially do not understand how psychologically unstable their ex-spouse real is.rnhttp://www.breakthroughparenting.com/PAS.htm "Most of the alienated fathers that I work with are continually befuddled by her lying. ‘How can she lie like that?’ They don't realize that these lies are not based on rational thinking. Parents who are attempting to alienate their children are incapable of understanding the difference between what is true and what they want to be true. A vital part of fighting PAS is to understand the severity of the psychological disturbance that is the source of it." Step 3 - Get Professional Help! Find a lawyer and a counsellor who have considerable experience in dealing with situations like yours. Then get you and your new partner into see a relationship coach so you can develop routines, rituals and new habits that will support both of you. Trying to make sense of all this on your own will only result in many sleep deprived nights as you talk about all the crazy situations and feelings you are both experiencing. Dealing with irrational people rationally will only make you crazy. Step 4 - Never Give Up! While you may be extremely frustrated, angry even, your kids will come to see that you never left them no matter how hard they tried to distance themselves from you. Show up when you're supposed to and continue to send cards and letters on birthdays and holidays regardless of ever receiving a thank you or any form of acknowledgement. Kids are wise beyond their years and they have an idea when something isn't making sense or when your actions aren't consistent with the criticisms that are being hurled your way. They may have to wait until they turn of legal age however when the time is right they may just callyou out of the blue and say, "come and get me". You probably don’t need to be told to drop everything and go and get them! Step 5 - Start the legal process as soon as possible. This is likely to be a long, difficult journey so the sooner you start the sooner it will be over. Studies show that in some extreme cases you will need to go after full time custody of your child to save them from severe psychological damage so start here. With a great team, mind set and supportive friends you can achieve anything you desire. And when it comes to your kids, ending this destructive game as soon as possible is best for everyone. Step 6 – Commit to Living in Joy Make a commitment to do whatever it takes to live every moment with joy in your heart and to love yourself, your new partner and all your children regardless of what your ex-spouse says or does to either of you. And refine this commitment anyway you see fit. You don't need to know how. Simply set the intention and watch for signs. When you notice that you have fallen off the wagon simply recommit and keep moving forward. Notice what you do when your new partner wants your attention. Rather than finish what you're doing stop right then and there and give your partner your complete attention. This is one cool way to honour your relationship. Try it with your kids too. This says "you are so important to me that I'm willing to stop everything and make our connection my highest priority". By following these steps you can start the process of moving from being a victim of circumstance to being an empowered individual, parent and partner. Your life will change right in front of your eyes and you will once again see clearly how you are more than enough and how your love can heal all wounds.