Do You Shy Away From Asking For What You Want?

Mark was the manager of a data science team. He had a solid educational background and ten years into his career his performance reviews were always high. He was well-liked, focused, and achievement driven. He built a smooth running, results oriented team from 5 to 47 members with more to come. And yet…

And yet, in what appeared to be a successful work life, whenever he had to ask for what he wanted for himself, he struggled.
Mark was very proud to be a company-first guy. He could ask for what his team needed—resources, more money, promotions—and he did so with convincing authority. But when it came to his career, his own dreams and ambitions, the thought of asking for what he wanted twisted his gut into a pretzel. On paper he should have had no conce
and he knew it. But that didn’t matter.

Whenever he thought about asking he imagined being told “No!” and that rejection, albeit his own, embarrassed him. To recover he’d construct a list of reasons why that ”No” was logical (“I can see that it makes good sense”), timely (“I’m probably not ready anyway”), and appropriate (“It might disturb my team”). He was a smart guy and his justifications were credible and tightly argued. But what they actually accomplished was to create a mindset of self-deception through which he closed doors before ever even opening them.
Mark’s response is clearly on the extreme side but it’s certainly not unusual. Most people, in some way, are afraid to ask for what they want.

Arguing the Case Against You
• The most powerful roadblock in the way of asking with confidence is not knowing what you want. In fai
ess, this is difficult if not very difficult for many people even those who look like they have it nailed. Why?
This is a dangerous world. As we grow, especially as children, even as adults, it’s very important to know what to stay away form. Survival demands it. Survival, however, does not demand more success in the world than what it takes to stay alive and reasonably well. Where in the life process is there a demand that you be successful; that you know what you want, that you pursue what you want, that you ask for what you want? Like it or not, all of that is on you.

In addition, it takes courage to be specific, clear, direct, and confident as you expand your success—level after level. Still, it’s easy to not know. But not knowing keeps you dependent and unconscious. Knowing, i.e. self-awareness, takes willingness to dig, to expand your sense of identity and the rewards far surpass the effort.

• Another major holdback, especially if someone is talented and productive goes like this: “I shouldn’t have to ask. My manger should just see what I do and reward me.” Do you know anyone who believes this?
This is one of the most insidious justifications to hide out in. It sounds so right and feels so good but what it actually does is keep you a child in a world of those who have the power. All you can do is wait and MAYBE you’ll get seen. In the meantime this point of view turns into a perfect resentment generator.

The antidote? Let go of the world of a child and stop assuming that people know, or even worse, they should know what you want. They may. They may not. But in the end that’s not their responsibility. It’s yours.

• Finally, the holdback that functions in many people like a titanium wall, is having to ask for what you want. Asking, in other words making yourself open and plain exposes you to the voice in your head that says—“Who do you think you are?”—“Don’t stick your nose out there.”—“It’s not humble to want.”—“Success means being alone.”—and the many versions that are found in culture to culture.

For example, in Australia, UK, Canada, and New Zealand the “Tall Poppy Syndrome” describes the cultural phenomenon in which people of merit and success are cut down because their talents or achievements elevate them above their peers. The idea of cutting down those who are successful is referenced as far back as 5th century BC in the writings of Herodotus.
As we grow these alarms penetrate deep into the psyche and then sound as though they are your own reasoning, as though they have always been there and it would be life or death not to obey. That’s why it takes courage to change your mind, your mindset, and choose to carve your own path. This is not mythology, nor romance, nor pop psychology. It is, for those who have trouble asking, a day to day reality that holds them in place only to look at others and wonder how they are able to get what they want.

When you back away from asking for what you want what stories do you tell yourself to justify your behavior.

Making yourself available allows for:
• self-discovery as you open to dimensions of your Self you’ve not explored and you can apply what you learn to your daily life; and
• by letting people know what you want and where you want to go they can help you, by challenging you to refine your own understanding, by giving give you directions as to what to do next, and by celebrating you when you take the steps and achieve your goals. What you will find is that among the successful and very successful there are far fewer ogres and far more people who sincerely have your best interests at heart. But you need to make yourself visible so they can see you and to do that you have to ask for what you want.