Take a moment to reflect on your interactions with your children today. What was the general tone of the day? What emotions predominated for you? Were you calm, listening, curious, frustrated, angry, or impatient? What message do you feel your child will take to bed with them tonight?rnOne of the great challenges of parenting is finding a balance between allowing our kids to discover who they are, while teaching them about expectations, rules and consequences. Sometimes in our attempts to do so, we may find ourselves frustrated, tired, being manipulated or just beaten down. In those moments we might react with anger and “put our foot down,” or give up and let things slide. In my work with adolescents at Catherine Freer Wilderness Therapy Programs (
http://www.cfreer.com), I have heard something over and over that parents have a hard time believing--in their heart of hearts, teenagers say “Please have boundaries and expectations for me. Be consistent. I need to know you will keep me safe, even if I don’t act like it!”rnAs parents, a primary goal is to assist our children in developing self-efficacy and good judgment. By doing so we give them tools to interact with others in settings outside the home, advocate for themselves, and make good choices when we are not around. The foundational process of developing these traits is through the child’s own experience of making choices and experiencing the consequences of those choices.rnResearch shows that in seeking cooperation from your child, how you communicate your expectations may be the most significant variable--the old adage is really true--”it’s not only what you say, but how you say it.” Our use of language, and yes, tone of voice, is not lost on our children. As dictators around the world can attest, through domination and control you can instill compliance, but at what cost? There is usually an uprising or mutiny in the works as a result. In considering the manner in which we communicate our expectations and model our values to our kids, several points are worth noting:rnFirstly, compliance comes from investment in the outcome. One way to gain your child’s investment is to instill the underlying values and intention behind expectations. For example, if the rule is to “look both ways before crossing the street,” the rule is more effective if the child knows the intention is “to keep you safe.” This can extend to moral rules, rules of safety, and rules of social interaction, such as: “Saying ‘please’ is part of the values of our family. It shows respect to the person you are asking to help you.” Through helping your child understand that rules and expectations aren’t about “because I said so,” but are rooted in a positive intention, they can gain investment and identify how it can benefit them.rnSecondly, cooperation comes from relationship. Certainly, in all relationships there are good days and bad days, when we struggle with moments of conflict. When you interact with your teen in those not-so-happy moments, take a minute to notice how you are communicating--are you reacting, or are you responding? Reacting can be identified as an unconscious, often emotion-driven communication style. Generally when we are reacting (or reactive) we are in “defensive” mode, and not really paying attention to what we are saying and communicating. We are speaking from our emotional brain, rather than the area of the brain that is the command center of judgment and weighing consequences. rnReacting can sometimes be expressed through anger, irritation, sarcasm or “shutting down.” Responding, by contrast, is a conscious, thoughtful, relationship-based way of communicating. This is where “mindfulness” comes into play, allowing us to respond in a thoughtful manner rather than in an unconscious manner. What is the real difference? Your teen will likely see a reaction as being an invitation to do battle with you, and a response as an invitation to engage in real communication. Reacting often breeds conflict, while responding often moves towards a resolution. Each time you respond rather than react, you are building your relationship, and demonstrating that you respect your child enough to communicate authentically. rnLastly, what is the real message we ultimately want to send to our kids? Obey me because I am the adult? Fear me? Probably not. Likely the message we are hoping to send is, “I want you to grow up happy and responsible and make good choices.” This message is delivered most effectively by demonstrating your belief that your child has the capacity to exercise good judgment, that you have faith in their inherent goodness, that you are proud of them and their innate capacities. We can demonstrate these beliefs by being “neither too tight nor too loose.” If we hover about and control everything our children do, we rob them of the opportunity to learn from the consequences of their choices. If we dominate or control them in an effort to create compliance, once we aren’t there they won’t have the experience of figuring things out on their own. rnAs an alternative, try the middle way, and be an advocate for your child. Allow them to fail, to make mistakes, to develop judgment and discernment, yet be there to help them sort it out. Be genuinely interested in what they think and feel, be empathetic and curious, fair and consistent. It isn’t a quick fix, but a cumulative process that builds over time, interaction by interaction. rnSo next time your child tests your rules, remember that deep down, they actually want you to be consistent and follow through. Take a breath, respond with intention, and know you are adding one more piece to the foundation that will build a healthy, self-reliant and confident young adult.rnFor more parenting tips by Jeffery Peyton, MA, CADC-I, visit Catherine Freer Wilderness Therapy Programs Parenting Tip Blog at
http://catherinefreerparentingtips.wordpress.com.