Dysfunctional Families: How to Take Care of Your Children in the Midst of The Dysfunction - Part One

If you are in a dysfunctional marriage and have children, you have a dysfunctional family. This article is the first in a series to show you how to take care of your children in the midst of the dysfunction. Few things cause as much pain, anguish, anger, guilt, fear, anxiety, and frustration as seeing your children hurting. You want good things for your children. Matthew 7:9 says, "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?"

Yet due to the dysfunction in the home, you may find yourself doing or allowing things that you are ashamed to admit hurt your children. Each of the following things directly touches on typical problem areas with children in dysfunctional families. Follow this list of "dos and don'ts" in order to take care of your children.

• Don't assume you understand what is going on with your children; instead ask open questions. It is easy to assume why your child is acting a certain way, but there are a lot of feelings and reactions in a dysfunctional family that affect the way children act and you aren't a mind reader. Here are some examples:"What are you thinking?" "Why did you do that?" and "What is bothering you?" You give your child a chance to speak truth and you get information about your child.
• Don't use labels; instead, describe the behavior. Labels are confining and shaming. They stick children with images that shape their future behavior and self-esteem. It doesn't help your child to do better, because it doesn't define what needs to change. With all of the emotional intensity in a difficult marriage, it is easy to resort to pressuring your child to change with shame-based labels rather than taking the time to teach about behavior, but it isn't in your child's best interest.
• Don't break promises; instead, keep the promises you make. Dysfunctional families have lots of ups and downs and promises tend to get broken. Even if your spouse doesn't keep a promise, you keep your part. And as much as possible, keep schedules and routines. Dysfunctional families are filled with distrust and inconsistency. Children need consistency to feel secure. Do your part to make them secure.
• Don't rely on your children to meet your emotional, physical, spiritual, and relational needs; instead, figure out ways to take care of yourself. Children do not need to carry a parent. The tendency is for a lonely or troubled parent to go to a mature, responsible child to talk or to have the child take care of things around the house. Encourage your child to be a child; find an adult to talk to; and don't let your child assume adult responsibilities.

Even if you can't change everything in your dysfunctional family, you can change the way you take care of your children in the midst of the dysfunction.