Early Deprivation: Can A Man Look For A Mother Figure If He Experienced Early Deprivation?

If a man were to describe the type of woman that he is looking for, he could say that he is looking for a woman who is understanding, affectionate, caring and feminine. Over the years, he might have been with a number of women who were like this.

Or, to be more precise, he might have been with a number of women who were like this in the beginning. So, when he was with a woman like this, she might have displayed these traits for a number of months or even longer and then gradually changed.

The first Stage

Thanks to this, at the beginning, he might have had the sense that he was with the right woman. Additionally, he might have not only felt good about himself and valued, but he might have also felt whole and complete.

As a result of how he felt, his friends and family might have commented on how different he seems. This will show that what was going on for him internally was so strong that it greatly impacted his behaviour and his energy.

The next Stage

However, as time passed and her behaviour changed, he might have started to feel frustrated and angry. It might have been as if the woman he was with had been replaced by another woman.

He might have ended up criticising her or ignoring her behaviour and hoping that she would change. But, no matter what he did, there was a chance that she would continue to behave in the same way.

Exte
al Feedback

If he were to speak to a trusted friend about this area of his life, he might be told that he just hasn’t met the right woman yet. Conversely, he might be told that the reason the woman changed was because she was no longer as attracted to him.

In this case, he could be told that he needs to develop a stronger frame or reality and even to become more successful, as this will make him more desirable. What this advice will do is give him the sense that if he changes, he will not only find the woman he desires but that she will continue to behave as he desires.

Another Scenario

Alte
atively, after speaking about this area of his life and the type of woman he is looking for, his trusted friend could say that he is looking for a woman who doesn’t exist. They could say that, like him, a woman is naturally going to put her best foot forward, so to speak, at the beginning, and also like him, she will change as time passes and other parts of her will be revealed.

Not only this, but they could say that as she is an imperfect human being, who has her own needs, feelings, preferences, insecurities, hopes and fears, and challenges, she is not always going to behave in a certain way. Still, they could make it clear that this doesn’t mean that he should be with a woman who is not a good match or is abusive, for instance.

Stepping Back

After hearing this, he could believe that his friend is just limited in this area of their life and doesn’t expect much. Then again, he could take the time to reflect on what has been said.

Assuming that the latter takes place, he could wonder why he expects a woman to always be understanding, affectionate, caring, and feminine, and even to always want sex whenever he does.

A Closer Look

He can find that when he is with a woman and she comes across as distant, emotionally unstable, and angry and doesn’t want sex, he doesn’t feel seen or heard, and he feels uncomfortable. He can find that this causes him to feel rejected, unwanted and as though he doesn’t exist.

From this, he might see that due to what he wants from a woman, it is not possible for him to accept that she is an imperfect human being as opposed to a god-like figure who is there to purely meet his needs. It is then not that how a woman like this behaves is wrong; it is just that he largely feels comfortable with a one-sided relationship.

What’s going on?

If he can see this, he can wonder why he finds it so hard to accept that a woman is a separate human being who has her own needs, feelings, preferences, insecurities, hope and fears, and challenges and is not solely there to meet his needs. Still, he might see that he has no trouble giving things to a woman, but that he largely does this in the hope of her meeting his needs.

As strange as this will seem, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, he might gradually understand why he is this way. The reason for this is that this may have been a time when he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

Back In Time

From a very young age, his mother might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. The outcome of this is that he would have missed out on the attunement and care that he needed to grow and develop in the right way.

To handle what happened, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. Yet, he would have lived in the hope that, if he became who she wanted and did what she wanted, he would be loved by her.

A Futile Struggle

But, as she most likely wasn’t able to provide him with the love that he needed, as she herself had probably also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years, losing touch with his true self and pleasing her wouldn’t have allowed him to receive what he needed. What it would have done, though, is serve as a secondary defence that made it easier for him to keep it together and function.

Many, many years will have passed since that stage of his life, of course, but he will, unknowingly, still be trying to receive the attunement and care that he missed out on. He will unconsciously project the mother that he needed into a woman and will then struggle to receive the mirroring and love that he missed out on as a boy.

A Replay

What this shows is that this, deeper, hidden part of him has no sense of time and is blind, which is why it can’t see that another woman is not his mother and that it is too late for him to receive the love that he missed out on. Thus, as it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on, no matter what woman he meets or how he behaves, he will end up being let down and will experience the feelings that he wouldn’t face, process and integrate when he was a boy and were repressed.

When a woman changes, the unconscious fantasy that he has of finding the perfect mother will be shattered. For however long, he will have found another woman and continued this struggle, living in the hope that the next woman would be different

Moving Forward

For him to no longer look for the perfect loving mother and to be comfortable with a woman who is imperfect but is right for him, there are a number of things that he will need to do. First, he will have beliefs to question pain to face and process and unmet developmental needs to experience.
This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for exte
al support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.