Ending the Approval Tap Dance with Natalie Hughes

I’ve had spurts of courage to follow my bliss, and the nerve to write openly and bare-bones-honestly through lyrics, music, diary entries and article writing, but even so there existed an undercurrent of need: the poisonous search for approval. And it slowed me down, made my steps too light and blocked me altogether occasionally. As a young girl, it started with needing my dad’s attention. He placed importance on intelligence, so I became a smarty pants — excelling at school, gifted program, you name it. He had a strong work ethic, so I did. Barely ever took a sick day in all my years of employment, and worked long hours to prove my dedication. He was a musician, so surely I would become a musician. These were ways to connect with him and he was important to me. (We understand our children so much better when they’re “like us” don’t we?) I also had one sibling, my older brother, who I followed as a toddler, who–like many firstborns–wasn’t sure he wanted me around but nonetheless I tried hard to seem relevant, exercising my sense of humour and attempting to do anything he could so that we would be connected. And it inevitably has morphed into some grown up relationships with other people that fall into similar categories as the men I grew up with. Is this you? Or maybe it’s women for you? I can’t be the only one. It’s the proverbial Tap Dance. “Heyyyy…. look at meeeee! Am I good enough, smart enough, funny enough, talented enough yet for you to like me?” Tappy tappy shuffle tap tap! No? Just keep tapping, just keep tapping. I’m hanging up my tap shoes, people. I’ve always been too tall to be a dancer. Every once in awhile, a good epiphany comes over me. God, how I love a good epiphany. It dawned on me as I sat in a dark house with only a piano for company: some of these grown up people I’ve been wanting to let me in, to accept me as one of their own, well I don’t even want to be like them. At all. The reason I don’t resonate with them is because THEY DON’T ACTUALLY RESONATE WITH ME. And I don’t actually want their thoughts, their lifestyles, their coolness (read: coldness.) I am the one resisting them. I choose it. All this time, I didn’t need their acceptance. I needed my own acceptance. I needed to admit to myself that what I love, what I want, the people I like, the music I write is all what I desire, and it is good. They will never “get” me, because I will never want to be aloof, jaded and careless. I will always have an innate desire to shine, to grow and to pursue bliss. I’m not angry. I’m not blaming anyone. My need for approval formed who I am. It has a time and place. No sense mourning the time I lost to it. It created a passion for music in me. It even sculpted parts of my personality. . . including my funny bone. Are you picking up what I’m throwing down? Finally admit that you are the one who has to stop fighting your own desires. Admit who you are and celebrate yourself. Gently let go of people who don’t get it. If they were to approve of you, that would mean you started following their dreams, not yours. The people in your life who DO understand you are the ones that you have actually chosen, so start seeking their company more often. Dance if it makes you happy… for Pete’s sake just make sure those tap shoes are clickety-clacking to the beat of your own drum. Natalie Hughes, editor, writer, performer and songwriter, is a gifted interpreter of the human experience, expressing passion, humor, heartbreak, healing and freedom to a depth that few writers reach. Natalie is also the Musical Director for Crystal Andrus Productions, providing music for short films, international speaking engagements, and powerful meditations. Hear her in music and conversation weekly as the co-host on The Crystal Andrus Show. Natalie lives along the picturesque waterways of Peterborough, Canada with her husband – photographer Michael Hurcomb – and her two children. For more, visit nataliehughes.com and find Natalie on iTunes, Twitter and Facebook.