Expectations for the Perfect Mate

Whether we consciously think about it or not, when we look for that special someone to spend the rest of our lives with, we carry a mental list of must-haves around with us. These are characteristics that we believe our perspective mate MUST possess to satisfy our definition of the perfect mate. For example, my list included just two things. He had to be tall and ride a white horse while wearing shining armor. I was tired of dating men who were shorter than my 5’9” frame and insisted on walking 3 to 5 steps ahead of me. I was also unhappy with my job and had this fairy tale vision of how my life should be, which included being a stay-at-home mom and raising a family ala June Clever style - dress, heels, a string of pearls, and immaculately coiffed hair. Oh, how I waited for my knight to ride in on his white horse! My future husband’s list also contained some very specific needs. He imagined a wife who was Jewish, had a college degree, and was mature. But as time wore on and his dating experiences either ended in disaster or disappointment, his frustration and patience got the better of him. At some point, he decided that he was going to go out with anybody. That “anybody” turned out to be me. When I had moved from Michigan to New Jersey due to my job relocating to the garden state, I became friends with many of my co-workers. Julie was one such co-worker and we would meet at the local tennis club to play some racquet ball every Wednesday night. One night I got a phone call while waiting for Julie to show up at the club. She called to say she would not be able to make it. I decided to go for a swim and headed for the pool. Soon a guy came up to me to strike up a conversation and delighted me with his attempt at pick-up lines. I tried to be polite, but knew immediately that I was not interested in this person. I managed to excuse myself and wandered over to the hot tub. I’m sure other people have meet this way, but somehow the mere mention of meeting in a hot tub causes people to raise their high brows, smirk, and generate thoughts of an intimate encounter. If I had known this, I would have insisted that we move to the pool or to the tennis courts so that my “how we met” story wouldn’t seem so risqué. But that is where I met my future husband – in the hot tub. One of the first things he said to me was, “Are you Jewish?” I replied no, expecting that he would just turn his attentions to someone else, but that didn’t happen. In fact, we talked for quite awhile and he asked for my phone number. We married four years later. He insists I forced him to marry him, but that’s another story. I wonder now if our pheromones played any part in our mutual attraction to one another. I was none of the things my husband thought he wanted in his future wife, and we often laugh about this. I was not Jewish; I was a non-practicing Catholic. I did not have a college degree; It would be 11 more years to get that piece of paper. I’ve never considered myself “mature”; Although I am a few years older than he is, I can behave quite childish at times. I was none of the things that were on his original list. My husband, on the other hand, is tall so at least one of my requirements was met. I could wear the highest heels and still be shorter than him – a BIG plus! As for the white horse and shining armor, that part didn’t happen. I was always a working mom, never got the string of pearls, and my hairstyle of choice these days is a blithely uncoiffed pony tail. Besides, I think my husband is allergic to horses, but I forgive him.