Fathers and Daughters

It was 13 years ago when I first began asking the question, “What influence did my father have on my life?” My marriage had ended and I took a serious look at why. There wasn’t anything terribly wrong with my marriage, but there wasn’t anything terribly right about it either. I married safe. I married stability. I married to avoid repeating my mother’s mistakes. (Sound familiar?)

I took a good look at my ex-husband. There wasn’t anything terribly wrong with him either. He’s the father of my child and I am more grateful to him for bringing my son into my life then anything, so finding fault with him was not part of this process.

What was wrong was that I chose someone who was not well suited for me. Again, my focus was off. I wasn’t thinking about my needs; I was too conce
ed with finding a man whose personality wasn’t anything like my fathers.

The connection was made. I began understanding that subconsciously I was making so many choices because of the relationship I had with my father (or didn’t). Even as a grown woman, my fathers influence was looming over me, like a shadow. I wasn’t going to escape it until I “turned on the lights” and faced it.

I went looking for books, articles, psychology studies, anything that would answer my questions and support what my hunch was telling me. But, there wasn’t much to go on back then. In hindsight, this was a good thing because I did the research myself and learned so much more then I could ever imagine.

I believe that there comes a point in every young woman’s life when she realizes that her father has influenced her. It’s a revelation. It may be subtle or it might hit you hard as did mine, but it will occur.
There are several ways that we discover this truth. We realize that we share personality traits with him; both good and bad. We find ourselves attracted to men who are like our fathers; either in positive ways or negative ones. And lastly, we get involved with men who are completely opposite to our fathers.

There’s no way around this. The harder you try, the worse it will be. The shadow will follow you. His influence will never escape you, until you turn on the light. This is what I did and in doing this, I faced my “demon” and worked through it.

My father is not the demon, by the way. My issues were. There’s a big difference actually. If I blamed him, then I could never escape his influence because he had all the power. If I owned these issues, which I considered to be the consequences of my childhood, then I could move on.

Writing the book, “FatherEffects” first began as self help therapy but ended up being a wonderful resource for any woman that has ever asked, “How has my father influenced who I am & who I love?” Over 1,000 women participated in the study and over 500 women shared their stories with me. It seemed unanimous. Every woman with a father has been influenced; one way or another.

It’s interesting how we assume that only “bad” fathers wreak havoc on our lives. What I learned was that many women have mixed memories, combining both positive and negative experiences in their childhood. We are still very affected. And then, there are those women whose fathers were superheroes and we (all the rest of us) envy them. But, we shouldn’t. When superheroes exist, the standard is set so high, that we make it very difficult for another man to fill his shoes. It’s all about making this connection.

Unraveling the mystery of how fathers influence daughters was one of the most life changing experiences for me. I broke my relationship patterns that began when I was 15 years old. I focused on what I needed and wanted in a man and what mattered most to me in a relationship. I recognized that my father was just a human being who could not be held responsible for his actions. Ignorance is more then just bliss, its damaging and leaves a mess.

But all messes can be cleaned up. We take the mop, we bring along a big bucket, we get down on hands and knees and we go for it. Fathers don’t plan to make messes in their daughters’ lives. It happens. Recognize it and work through it. Pretending it doesn’t exist is the biggest mistake we, as adults, make.

With a resounding “Yes”, your father has influenced your life. Now, it’s time to make the connection and if necessary, bring the bucket.