Feedback In Dialogue: Receiving Feedback

Feedback is the primary tool we use to help bring more awareness to our dialogue.

As far back as Norbert Wiener’s pioneering work on computation systems in the 1950’s, feedback was a critical topic. It was defined as the ability of a machine to use the results of its own performance as self-regulating information so as to adjust itself as part of an on-going process.

Feedback can be uncomfortable and can create intense internal conflict when our manufactured self image confronts the reality of how we are perceived by others.

Commonly, our first response to this internal conflict is to explain how our behavior has been misinterpreted. If we can just get others to “understand,” we will have peace and our self-image is defended. Defensiveness is often our response to feedback.

Overview Strategy for Receiving Feedback

When receiving feedback we need to confront the ego’s natural tendency to defend itself.

1. Develop your inner observer by noticing your reactions to feedback. One technique to consider is consciously “splitting your mind.” One part of your mind is devoted to observing your behavior while the other part is engaging in the behavior.

2. Resist the powerful urge to explain yourself. “Well the reason that I did that was because. . .,” “That was because I . . ..” Explanations cut-off further feedback, they are interpreted as statements that you are not ready to hear anymore.

3. Become a sponge. Silently absorb the comments using facial gestures and nodding of the head to acknowledge the feedback. Ask questions for understanding but do not comment upon the feedback. Simply absorb it all.

4. Work to accept the feedback as possibly correct. Use the 1% rule (assume that all of the feedback is at least partially true, at least 1%). Often others can see us better than we can see ourselves.

Feedback provides a powerful basis for improving skills and gives new insight.nn========================================

Connecting Through Asking Questions

What does it mean to connect?

In computer terms, a “connection” occurs when we are joined with others through a communication link.

To connect with your customers and colleagues is to join with them in a shared experience. It involves sharing ideas and information by coming together with them. When we feel rapport with someone, a sense of trust and affinity begins to develop. There is a sense of two-way interchange based on common interests.

When we connect things, we bind them together. When we connect with another we also bind them to us. If we really connect with them they want to see and hear from us again — the starting point of a relationship.

Why ask questions?

Questions demonstrate your willingness to let go of narcissistic monologue and involve another in participatory dialogue. You interrupt your own closed-loop mental process and bring in diversity of viewpoint.

Asking questions is a subtle tool of persuasion. By simply asking a question, you can often make your point more powerfully than by hammering home assertion after assertion. The listener opens to your ideas as they articulate answers to your questions.

Find out whether you’ve missed the mark before it’s too late to rectify. Questions check another’s understanding and retention, allowing you to more effectively communicate.

Would you like to demonstrate that you are interested in those with whom you interact? Ask questions, listen carefully to the answers, and consider follow-up questions to create a dialogue.

Overview Strategy for Asking Questions

Start with open-ended questions. This technique builds rapport, a key objective early in a dialogue.

As you move toward resolution, use specifically directed, closed-end questions. They are key in checking for comprehension and retention as well as narrowing options to a conclusion.

Practice ways in which to treat customers and colleagues so that they will trust us, feel rapport with us and perhaps even want to hear more about our ideas or products.