Forgiveness: Who are you really mad at?

Why is it so hard to forgive? Parents try to instill the value of forgiveness while raising their children. Many of our modern-day religions teach and promote the practice of forgiveness. Yet, as adults, many of us struggle in the practical application of it in our daily lives. For some of us, withholding forgiveness can act as a form of justice. To forgive someone without some form of punishment somehow seems to condone their behaviour, and we lose that sense of justice. For others, the word itself carries with it feelings of vulnerability or weakness. By choosing to forgive, it feels like we are allowing others to walk all over us. They win and we lose. Is it possible that these surface reasons, while relevant, are masking a deeper truth about ourselves? Intellectually, when we have been wronged, we can clearly see that the other person was at fault and that it is their issue to resolve. It was their mistake. Emotionally, however, when we look deeper, our feelings about the situation can be quite different. Sometimes, underneath our conscious thoughts are unconscious feelings of anger, guilt and blame directed at ourselves. We may feel like we should have seen it coming. Inside, we might be saying to ourselves, “How could I let this happen or how could I be so foolish?” If there is any truth to these feelings, then we have to ask ourselves at whom are we really mad? If it’s true that we have hidden feelings of anger or disappointment with ourselves, then continuing to focus on someone else’s actions isn’t going to bring us any closer to resolving our negative feelings. Even though our feelings of anger and resentment may be punishing the offender, we overlook the consequences these crippling emotions have on us and our other relationships. Like a virus, they can multiply and it can soon feel like the whole world is against us. Forgiveness is neither about condoning another person’s behaviour nor about giving them a get-out-of-jail-free card. Forgiveness is about releasing the negative emotions that affect our own sense of well-being. Ironically, forgiving others isn’t just virtuous, it is also self-serving. Not only does it relieve us of these negative feelings, it creates the necessary space to replace them with positive feelings that can range from contentment to pure joy. As we are able to resolve our conflicting feelings inside and forgive ourselves, then forgiving others easily follows. When we are willing to swallow our pride and lose, we actually win. If you’ve ever wanted more love, peace and contentment in your life and less anger, stress and anxiety, then forgiveness is a skill that you will most likely want to learn and master. Separating facts from our feelings with an intention to heal is a great place to start.