Forgiving vs. Forgetting

The phrase “Forgive and Forget” is a nice thought but one of those things that is hard to do in practice. My question is why do we link the two in the first place? I have heard some people say that once you forgive somebody for what they have done to you, you should then just move on and continue that relationship like it never happened. In recovery programs looking backwards at your life can be very painful. In Step 4 you not only look at what you have done to others but also, what others have done to you. Those are the deep wounds. It is both shocking and sad to hear how some of the men in my step study have been treated in their life.rnIt is hard for me to look back at how my self-esteem, self-worth, view of the world, and view of God have been negatively affected by the actions of family members, ministers, and close friends. What they did hurt me and/or stunted my growth emotionally or spiritually. God commands that I forgive them. That I not harbor animosity or ill will towards them for their actions. That is what I must do in order to obey God in these matters. Now it would be nice to forget those things ever happened after I chose to forgive, but in my experience that has proven to be something I am not necessarily in control of. Some people do repress memories, or just deny them altogether. But the interesting thing to me is that God designed our mind to be able to recall events. Not only that, our minds can recall events without us even trying to do so. Like many of you, a lot of dysfunction and trauma happened in the house I grew up in. I won’t go into great detail at this time but I will say, that I witnessed many things that children were not designed to experience. Of course at the time, it was the only “normal” that I knew, in fact I believed all families were like that (I may have been right..). My parents lived in that same house for almost 40 years. This meant I had the opportunity many times in my adult life to go back and visit the same house. For years I can remember taking my family to visit my parents. Each time I went back to the house, after a few hours there, I became very anxious about being there. I started to make plans to leave and do something with other friends or just go and drive around the old neighborhood or some of my old haunts. It was as if something came over me that said – “you have to get out of here”. I had made plans to see my parents, I wanted them to see their grandchildren and vice a versa. But once I got there I was looking for a way out quickly. As I have worked through my recovery with therapists and 12 step groups, I have come to realize that memories of the trauma I experienced growing up were triggering my anxiety. I have forgiven my parents for those things that happened. But I still have memories of things that injured me. Those memories are triggered by “revisiting the scene of the crime” so to speak.rnMany things can trigger memories. Certain words, smells, locations (as in my case), people, etc. can all trigger both good and bad memories. It is important to work through the traumatic events in such a way that these triggers do not paralyze you or cause harm to you in any way (that is where a trained therapist or a recovery program can help). I firmly believe God has designed us this way for some important reasons. One is that we can learn to establish boundaries in our lives. If you have ever put your hand on burning stove top you are less likely to ever do it again. Why? Because it hurt last time – remember? If you were in a dysfunctional relationship with someone in your past, you will have to forgive that person for their part, but the memories of the abuse or other negative issues you experienced can help you to make better choices about your next relationship.rnAnother reason I believe God allows us to remember our wounds is to teach us empathy. If we do not remember how it felt to be wronged or sinned against by someone else, how can we relate to how others feel when they are treated the same way? Some of the most powerful interactions and relationships I have developed with others in recovery are those in which the story they were sharing about their life and experiences was very similar to my own journey. This happens to me often. I hear something shared and I think to myself – wow that must have really been hard to deal with because I remember how it felt when… I am reminded by my sweetie Dianne, who has recovered from years of abuse in her previous marriage and family of origin, that there is another important issue that needs to be considered in the relationship that is damaged by sin or being wronged. There is a difference between reconciliation and restoration. Forgiving enables reconciliation. Your relationship can be resumed in some form or fashion now that forgiveness is present. Restoration is something completely different. Restoring implies that the relationship is back to a state that is as healthy as it were before the incident. Restoration typically does not happen due to the consequences of the action(s). In the last year two very important men in my life have broken a trust in the relationship I had with them. It was painful for me to hear the things said to and about me by these people. First off, because of how important these people were to me. Second because of the length of time I have known them. I do forgive them. I love them and want the best for their lives but the nature of our relationship has changed dramatically due to this. I do not have the right to be bitter or resentful due to these situations. But I must make decisions about the depth and expectations of these relationships going forward. Forgiveness is necessary but there can be value in not forgetting.