From Self-belief to Confidence

When coaching clients, my focus is to help them get from where they are to where they want to be in the quickest and most enjoyable way.

But no matter what challenges they present me with, most of the time, it all boils down to a lack of confidence and self-belief.

People want to feel good, they want to do things to improve their lives, but fears and insecurities of all sorts blur their minds and freeze them into inaction, often for months and even years.

Think, for a moment, of a little baby at birth, alone in his feat to try to get out of his mum’s tummy, fighting internally, fearing… “What?! I have to get out through that hole? Impossible! I just can’t do it!” I somehow doubt babies go through such an elaborate self talk at that very moment. Even though we couldn’t blame them for doubting themselves a little…

As toddlers, we learn to crawl, stand up, walk, run and jump, no problem at all. I don’t know about you, but I can’t remember ever doubting I could run. I just did it. I did fall a few times, but that didn’t stop me.

I learnt to cycle without stabilisers, destroying my knees in the process, and waking up a few neighbours with my screams. But every time I fell off my bike I got back on it. I can’t remember ever thinking “I can’t do it, I’m just not a two wheel cyclist”.

I learnt to swim, not to Olympic standards, but well enough to save my life, as long as there are no big waves…

We all learnt to speak, a lot of us not just one but several languages; we learnt to read and write, drive and dance… and many other things that require self-belief and confidence.

But, as adults, we doubt ourselves all the time, over all sorts of things, most of them much simpler and easier than squeezing through a tiny crevasse a thousand times smaller than us, balancing ourselves on two wheels, or co-ordinating all our body parts to move in unison to the rhythm of music.

We doubt we are pretty enough, thin enough, attractive enough, clever enough. We doubt we are fit enough, fashionable enough, funny enough… good enough for all sorts of things.

Enough for what? I ask. “Enough” presupposes we are comparing ourselves to someone else that is supposedly better than us.

But who says they are better than us?

Then, we spend ridiculous amounts of time wondering why we are feeling less than. Not a good idea if you want to start to feel better about yourself.

See, when you ask yourself why, you have to go inside and make your brain scan for all the reasons why you feel crappy, which in turn makes you feel even crappier, it prolongs and intensifies those feelings. Not a good idea if you want to feel good!

If you lack the confidence and self-belief to do the things you wan to do, or be who you want to be, first you want to notice what you’ve been doing inside your brain and how you’ve been doing it that has caused you to think that way.

Because, you want to make sure that you start to do the opposite. See, the way you think about yourself regarding the challenges you may be facing, will have a profound impact upon your ability to get through them.

One of the brain’s functions is to prove itself right. This is why it’s vital that you think and behave in a manner that is congruent with what you want. So, if you want to be more confident, but you spend your time comparing yourself to or resenting other confident people, your mind doesn’t believe you mean to be more confident.

If you want others to believe in you, you must convince them first that you believe in yourself, but in order to do that, you must convince your own mind that you believe in yourself.

So, if you are fed up of feeling like you are not good enough, comparing yourself to other people or lacking the confidence and self-belief to do the things you want to do, but you don’t know how to change things, make sure you gel help. You don't have to be miserable forever. You can go from self-belief to confidence.