Going Home ... they say we can never go home again, perhaps we should

"In fact, what is called the world is only a thought." Sri Ramana Maharshi
For several weeks I had been hearing a voice telling me it was time to jump in the car and go visit mom. Going home is always interesting for me. I love my mother dearly but as I was shown last week, my part of the relationship wasn’t as clean as I had thought. I still desired Mom’s full understanding and acceptance. I knew that she loved me in her way, but I wanted her to love me ‘in my way’. I wasn’t aware that I still craved her appreciation, that I wanted her to ‘get’ me, but on the trip that fact became undeniable.

During the entire trip I felt as if I was on the cusp of understanding something amazing, of having a big breakthrough, and yet it didn’t come. The next week I shared my insight and the feeling of impending deliverance with my partner. We are rather used to my process now and trust that something good—although rarely what is expected—will come of it. We laughed and talked about the child’s need to be accepted by the parent and how intricate the dance is.

When you are committed to the hunt, willing to dive into and dismantle the fears that hold us hostage, it is quite fascinating to watch old patterns as they maneuver to maintain their grip. Later that night as I sat in meditation the story was still present so I asked Source to help me let go of this need for acceptance and I clearly heard God’s voice say, “When are you going to accept you?” Along with the question came an energetic cleansing—another level of constriction around my heart fell away as I accepted the truth of the question. I was the one who hadn’t accepted my self. It was never about Mother. There is no Mother who doesn’t accept me. There is only my lack of acceptance of myself.

It is never about another. It is always about our story. We project our story onto others—Mother, Father, son, daughter, friend, stranger—and make it about them. We make it about someone other than ourselves to keep the stench off the fantasy in which we live.

As I watched this understanding unfold I saw how I create and speak the words of each character in my dream world—in my mind’s world—like a puppeteer staging a play. I could feel the energy of anger, sorrow, frustration with which I imbued each one and how it translated into this body I call mine. They were not speaking; I was speaking to myself through them.

In fascination, I continued to observe the understanding unfold. I saw how these perceived slights created my energetic body and generated the physical reality in which I found myself. They created my entire experience: my sense of worth, my state of abundance or scarcity, my world view, my response to events and whether I saw them as opportunity or problem, my connection or lack thereof with each person I came into contact. They created my experience of everything. My interpretation created my happiness, my sadness, my ranting and raving, my compassion, my understanding, my willingness to love or to withhold love. They even created my experience of God!

My heart opened wider in awe and I felt my head bow in reverence to this Truth. There was no other person—no mother, son, husband, friend—there was only my version of them. As I saw this it dawned, with the brightness of an angel’s wing, that if there was no other person, then this person who was creating the others did not exist either. It was, as my teacher had said, all mind! It wasn’t my mind. It was ‘separate’ mind, endlessly creating. And…it would continue until I forgave it—giving it all back to Source.

Who we all are, is so magnificent! When we are willing to step into the fear, it dissolves. With each voyage into the darkness we emerge brighter, wider, more expanded into the Truth of who we are. There truly is nothing to fear but fear itself. And that is not quite right in its wording, for if we fear ‘fear’ then we will leave it alone to grow and fester and create a reality for us that prevents us from experiencing the love we desire.

Love is what we all search for and our stubbornness in blaming others makes certain that we never find it. Until we are willing to see our fear and then step right in the middle of it we are doomed to our present reality. But…if we are tired enough of hiding, tired enough of holding it together, tired enough of the knot in our stomachs, tired enough of failing ourselves, tired enough of settling for less than what we know is possible, then and only then, once we have let go of our defense—God can find us.
"Subject and object are only one. The barrier between them cannot be said to have broken down as a result of recent experience in the physical sciences, for this barrier does not exist." Erwin Schrodinger, physicist