Grief And Dating

About a year after ny husband died I began feeling extremely restless. My mind seemed to be skittering from one thing to another. in a way, this was welcome relief from the heaviness of deep sadness and depression.

But something was missing. Of course, comething was missing. My husband was missing. I was missing my husband in a different way.

Somehow, from this agitated state of displaced energy, I decided to try internet dating. A couple of well-meaning friends had suggested it.

It took me some time to figure out the mechanics, since I knew little about computers at that time. I spent time organizing my profile information and coming up with a catchy tagline. I posted my profile and waited for responses. Well, I didn't really wait. I was out there proactively looking for my perfect companion in cyberspace.

I boldly responded to profiles of men who sounded like interesting dating prospects. At one time I was corresponding with eight men at the same time.

I was 51 and hadn't dated in a very long time. The emails led to some actual dates. Let's just say the experience was less than satisfying.

Reflecting back on this time, I see that my restlessness was but another phase of my grief process. My decision to date came from a place of missing my husband's physical companionship.

I wasn't really looking for another man. I was looking for my husband in other men. I believe this fact was evident to these poteitial dating companions. But I was blinded by grief masked as dating energy.

I realized that my skitteering mind was really fulfilling the role of a protective disconnection from my heart and body. I was still lost in grief. It was just wrapped in a different package.

The pain of feeling my grieving body was so overwhelming that I believe my mind was searching for a way to disengage and somehow feel "normal" again.

I realized and acknowledged the ache of missing my husband on a deeper level.