Grown Kids Today

Well the time has come and the kids have left or are leaving the nest. Lots of mixed feelings here…However, sometimes grown kids return to the scene of the crime. Sometimes they come home when they have no where to live. Sometimes they come home with little off-springs. Perhaps it is time to change the locks. There are mixed feelings when grown kids return. You are happy to see them at first. Remember when they do return (even for a projected short period of time) they often revert to their teenage patterns. They raid the fridge, don’t make their beds, take very long showers and never a finger is lifted to help and certainly no dollars for their expenses. And one other thing, the so called short period of time often has many extensions. A good friend of mine had a child returning home for three weeks, and finally left after two years.

We have quite a few emotions about our kids in general…Sometimes they have turned out better than we ever dreamed, and sometimes they are continually in the state of finding themselves…I love this “finding yourself” phrase. I am not quite sure what it means. Maybe it is about being lost and looking everywhere like hide and seek. I do know for sure that when kids have a set time to leave, set financial responsibilities and a paying job, things go a lot smoother. Enabling is another popular verb of today. I think it has a lot of merit in the sense that when we give our kids too much it does not make independent and loving kids. It creates a kind of expectation attitude that lingers on in their minds. What is given in love becomes expected, and certainly taken for granted. If the kids are coming home, even for long periods of time your household rules need to be followed. They should treat living with you the same way as if they were paying rent. If they want special food they should go out and buy it. There is no room for complaints from them about food, attitude or living conditions. You are generously opening your home to them, and this should be respected.

Kids can go through bad times, and we can be there to help them. I have the one time theory. If the child needs some money to bail out of a problem help him out ONCE and stick with it. If they know there is family to fall back on, and a good and constant money source, they will more than likely

Keep creating problems for themselves. Why not? Mom and Dad will bail them out. When there are no more resources for dollars they will stick with jobs, drive carefully, work hard at school and take responsibility for themselves. It does make sense.

A good friend of mine was extremely excited about her daughter coming home for a few months with her baby. She wanted a time to catch up financially. Actually she just did not have enough money for a deposit for an apartment. She loved being home as mom took care of the baby, cooked the meals and cleaned up after her. She promptly reverted to her teenage habits. She was going out at night when she had a date. Responsibility was not a word in her vocabulary. But what she really enjoyed was the constant baby sitting. Finally mom got tired of this and just gave her the deposit for an apartment. Her daughter was furious at being given a date to move out, but she did leave.

There are no strict rules for dealing with our kids. Sometimes we have to bend the rules a little bit. However we have a right to rule setting and time curfews and whatever else. They are guests in our homes and should act accordingly.