Handling Family Conflicts with Confidence

Can you think of a day when you didn’t experience conflict? Your family can have disagreements and butt heads over lots of things and sometimes these are big issues. Other times it’s over little stuff and interestingly, it often seems like some of the biggest conflicts arise over what you think are the littlest things.

If you accept that everyone is an individual with unique preferences and desires, then it’s easier to understand why conflicts might arise. In the heat of the battle, you might wish that your family members all agreed, but once you cool down, it’s often your differences that make you and your family more interesting and special.

Let’s consider that living in a conflict-free zone is impossible. What if you change your goal from eliminating conflict to using these disagreements to get to know each other better? Instead of avoiding conflict, you can shift your focus to managing your family conflicts.

According to Ashley Virtue of the National Conflict Resolution Center, “Conflict seems scary to most, but it really can be an opportunity for positive change.”

Virtue goes on to state that if you learn to use some communication tools, it’s possible to discuss even emotionally-charged issues in a polite way.

As nice as it would be for this to resolve the conflict immediately, don’t expect a change in the way your family discusses hot topics to happen ove
ight. It helps when everyone believes in the process and is willing to make the effort. If your children are young or rebellious, it may fall completely on your shoulders to encourage the use of these communication tools:

Hear Them Outr
It’s easy for a lot of people to talk when they’re angry, if their feelings are hurt, or they feel misunderstood or disrespected.

One of the best examples you can set for your children is to really listen to them. Be willing to hear what they have to say, even if the words are said in anger. It may take some effort, especially at first as you build this skill, but listen without interrupting them. Sitting in silence isn’t all there is to this skill, however. Give them your full attention.

Look them in the eye. Work at being attentive and yet neutral. Really hear the message.

The benefit to really listening is that it gives everyone time to process the message and the feelings. It also allows the speaker to feel heard. This one tool alone can do wonders for conflict management.

Ask Clarifying Questions and Reflect Backr
The goal with this tool is to make sure you understand the message behind the words and emotions. This helps everyone know that the message was received and understood, which allows your children to feel validated and supported even if you haven’t said you agree with anything they said.

During this part of the exercise, it isn’t about you, your feelings, or any response you might have. Think of it as information gathering. You want to be sure you have all the details that you need in order to really understand where you child is coming from.

Mind Your Words and Body Languager
After your children are done speaking their minds and it’s your turn to speak, choose your words carefully.

It can be challenging to not take your children’s words personally and it may be even harder for them to not hear your response personally. Keep things in the present, rather than bringing up past behavior or issues. Focus on the specific issue at hand rather than making generic statements, and remember, there are no “bad” kids. There are only questionable behaviors that you want to address.
As you speak your piece, your children won’t only be listening to your words.

They’ll be paying attention to your body language and the energy that you are sending forth. If you’re really having trouble maintaining your calm, you might suggest a short break. This can give you the opportunity to regain your center before continuing the discussion. When you do this, don’t just leave the room. It’s important to express that this is something you need to do.

You Win Some; You Lose Somer
At work, you may be known as a shark who wins every argument, but is that how you want your children to see you? It’s a good idea to pick your battles. In the long run, is winning this fight the important thing? Or is it more important to learn and grow together as a family? Are there points you can compromise on? Is it possible to agree to disagree?

If you’re able to prioritize when you draw lines in the sand and let go of the rest, then you enable each family member to win some arguments. This lets everyone feel important in the family. In the long run, there will be fewer conflicts because you’re each learning more about the other family members and what’s most important to them.

When you’re able to communicate clearly and respectfully with your children, they’ll learn by your example. Over time, your family life will be more peaceful, if not entirely conflict free. Not only that, your children will learn a method that they’ll be able to use in their personal lives, now and in the future.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.