Ask Dr. Paul: "Help Me Save My Marriage!"

Question:

“I am going out of my mind. I have two small children and my husband, behind my back, went out and bought a very expensive car. We are hardly making our monthly expenses and he goes out and does something like that. Is he stupid, or what? I am furious! I am on the verge of divorcing him. All he ever thinks about is his business. When he comes home, he spends all of this time on the computer, doing business. He hardly spends any time with me and the kids anymore. His business fluctuates and he spends a lot of time away from the family, trying to drum up business. What should I do? My dream marriage is going down the drain. Can you help me?”

Answer:

1. Relax and Calm Down: This is no time to get panicky. This is a time for you to get centered and resolved to take charge and get control of your life. You are out of control because of poor time management, communications and lack of knowledge for what makes up an ecstatic relationship. I take it that the two of you fell in love in the beginning of your relationship because you spend a lot of time together. When you move in as a married couple, it requires a huge adjustment from the carefree extensive time-sharing of your single days. The secret to a sizzling marriage is to continue doing those things that made you fall in love at the very beginning. So you will have to rearrange your time management, so that everyone gets their needs met.

2. Unilateral Decisions: Unilateral decisions are okay when you are single. But, when you are married, they can become a disaster. Your husband made a unilateral decision to buy an expensive car without discussing it and negotiating with you. There can be no unpleasant surprises in an ecstatic relationship, unless those surprises meet the needs of both partners. You'll need to sit down with your husband and discuss the need to have mutually satisfying decisions that are fully discussed and enthusiastically agreed upon. If I understand you correctly, you need transportation to get around and do what busy mothers and wives do. It seems as if you don't know what he is thinking and he does not know what you are thinking. The right-hand does not know what the left-hand is doing; until it's too late! Effective partners let each other know what they are thinking so that there are no secrets or unilateral decisions that violate the needs of the other.

3. Time is your Most Important Resource: You will need to sit down with your husband and devise a plan for better time management. You are complaining that he does not give you enough time. He doesn't give you the time and attention that you need, because you let him get away with it. He does exactly what you taught him to do. If you want control of your life, you will need to take a strong stand for your need for time to be with him. Everybody gets the same amount of time every day. Successful people manage control of those events that are governed by time. You want time with him. So, sit down and negotiate an effective strategy to get your time needs met. Otherwise, you will continue to complain and feel deprived. If you don't do something now, your marriage will slip into the hopper. You gave each other enough time at the beginning of your relationship in order to fall in love. There are no real excuses or justifications for letting that part of your life slip away.

4. Manage your Money: If you do not a have a plan for managing your money, you will slip below the line. Poor financial management creates problems and it isn't necessary. Your family is like a corporation, a small business. If you don't manage your finances, you'll go bankrupt. What is your husband's financial history? Did you know how he handled money before you married him? How did you manage your own finances before you tied the knot? You are in your present situation because of what both of you brought with you into the marriage. It's time to change, otherwise you will be digging the same hole over and over again. You need to take charge. If he can't run the finances, somebody has to get smart. How do you go about saving money and living below your expenses? Does he have a history of impulse buying? You'll need to discuss with him the necessity for removing what you do not want from the relationship. Destructive behavior and ineffective strategies will kill your marriage. Unilateral impulse spending must be taken out of your life. In its place, you should Institute a well-organized plan for communication, spending and saving. Ecstatic marriages plan for success. Poor planning leads to divorce.

5. Working on Yourself: Do you have a strategy, a time segment and an approach for working on yourself? If you do not work on yourself with this matter, you'll keep your husband in the dog house. Do you want him to be the "Bad" spouse and you the "victim?" By taking time to work on yourself, you clear out the toxic feelings that you have accumulated by "his" mistakes. Remember, he would not have messed up if you had known how to handle and control things. Look carefully and acknowledge your part in creating this situation. It's not all his "Fault." Anything that happens in a marriage is a "US/WE," problem and as such there is a "US/WE" solution.

Contact Dr. Paul and let him tell you how to devise a superior strategy for calming your mind and body, eliminate distressing emotions, and build a relationship that really works. He will show you how to manage events, time, and money as well as how to work on yourself for maximum self-growth.