Harried Parents: Save time! Avoid Hassles! "Emotion Coach" Your Kids!

Emotion coaching? rnThese two words would not ordinarily appear in the same sentence, would they?rnAfter all, coaching is more likely to bring to mind an image of a tennis racket or softball bat. And what do feelings have to do with any of that? rnHowever, parents are continuously teaching their kids about emotions– and because much of this teaching happens without deliberate intent, what goes on between ourselves and our kids may not be what we wish for! rnAre You the Loving Parent You Hoped You’d Be? It’s easy to love a baby: they feel soft and smell good (most of the time). We are biologically wired to be attracted to the proportions of their facial features and small, vulnerable bodies. And other than the power they have to make noisy protest, babies pretty much have to go along with what we are doing and where we want them to be. rnChildren, on the other hand, have a will of their own, and can exercise it at some of your worst moments, right?rnWe can calm a baby by caressing them, talking softly, and feeding, rocking or swaddling. It’s not always successful but it’s simple: there are only a few choices.rnSo how do you help kids and teens with difficult feelings like disappointment, frustration, sadness, anger? What can we do for kids when they are afraid or lonely at times? rnYou may have learned a style or philosophy for dealing with emotion in your own family that is different from what you value and believe important for your kids. We can think about styles of parents’ behavior in three categories: Emotion-Dismissing, All-Accepting, or Emotion-Coaching. (No surprise which is preferable, but read on, because you may recognize yourself …) Emotion-Dismissing Parentsrn Parents rely on this approach out of good intentions. They tickle a pouting child, offer distraction when a child is frustrated, or otherwise attempt to “cheer up” kids when they are troubled. The idea is that difficult feelings are harmful and we should not dwell on them, that kids need to toughen up. Occasional use of this sort of strategy is harmless, for example in a crowded restaurant. But with persistent Emotion-dismissing or disapproving parents, kids’ feelings are minimized, they lack language to express their emotions, and they learn that feelings other than happiness are unimportant. Their perception is they should simply “get over it and act nice” or be lonely. rnAll-Accepting Parentsrn Accepting parents? What’s not to like? Of course kids benefit from having parents who accept them as people. But All-accepting parents leave kids without much guidance when it comes to handling emotion. They comfort kids during hard times with words of love, (“I think you’re a wonderful person”, “It’s all going to work out because I just love you so much”) but in a way that is vague and passive. Letting kids express their emotion permissively, without feedback or problem-solving, is not useful to children. They can get overwhelmed and lost in the strong power of their emotions. They need the mooring of a solid presence. Kids who live with unconditional acceptance of their behavior do not learn to calm themselves effectively. Emotion-Coaching Parentsrn Emotion-coaching parents also maintain unconditional acceptance of their children’s feelings. They don’t belittle or ignore emotion, but they provide a roadmap for their kids about how to live with intense feelings and forge ahead anyway. They believe that difficult feelings have a purpose and can give us information about ourselves and what needs attention in our lives. rnThese parents do not feel inadequate or to blame themselves when their kids are struggling, and thus have more patience for hanging in there during tough times. rnThey are also likely to pick up on how kids are feeling before emotion becomes intense, and are then able to help them name and grapple with an experience before their emotions get out of control. They save their energy for reprimanding behavior problems, not problems with disapproving of unpleasant feelings, so less power struggles occur. When kids feel understood and valued, they are more responsive to parents and motivated to cooperate. Haim Ginott, Mr. Rogers, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and John Gottman are resources for more info.