He Was Never Really Mine To Begin With

When you simply live your life in a way that makes you happy, then it would never really be necessary to actually care about what’s going to happen next. This is how I lived my past. I never really cared much because I had a wonderful life full of parties and booze and friends. But I chose to ditch that life so I can pursue life for real. It was a tough time for me, and I told myself that I will never care as much as I used to. It worked well for me. And then he came. He was a stranger to me once. We got to know each other better over time, and we got really close. He was there for me most of the time, and I got used to the idea of always having him around, to the point that it was never really fun without him anymore. Come to think of it, I should not feel this way at all. We never really had a title to begin with, and he never gave me a hint. I, on the other hand, gave all the hints I could manage. I guess it was just too overwhelming for me to actually like someone again. It was nice, but I knew it would not end up right. I’ve only seen him through the internet, and we all know how crazy it would be if we did have a relationship. But I still liked him a lot. Maybe it’s the idea of him I’m in love with. But it always felt like I have known him all my life. It feels like everything I’ve told myself in the past, to guard my heart and to stay away from feelings, just melted away when he came into my life. And it sucks because I’m terrified. There’s just something about him that feels like home to me. Now that he’s not around as much, it feels like I’m losing my home one wall, one furniture, one fucking brick, at a time. And all I can do is just watch it fall apart and let it go. He will always be important to me. I guess it’s just time to open my hands and let go. Because I knew that this was coming, I just never really said it out loud so I would not be as scared as I am right now. I knew it was going to change one way or another, and there was no turning back. The truth is… I cannot really lose him, because he was never really mine to begin with. He was there all the time for some time, but he was not really there for real. It felt like he was mine for a while, but he was never really mine. Maybe it just felt really good to have someone again, albeit just for a short time. At least, I know that he will never be someone I’m ever going to lose. He was never mine.