Help Dealing with Infidelity: What to do When the Thoughts Still Haunt You

You wake up in a sweat after watching the scene in your dreams of him with her. Him kissing her, him running his hands through her hair like he does you, him whispering sweet nothings in her ear – the visions never stop. That’s what you imagine about the cheating. It’s the same for men and women; they play what they think the scenes were like over and over in their heads. It’s like living with a ghost.

Give Yourself Time

Believe it or not these types of thoughts are normal, and it will take some time for you to stop going over it in your head. It’s natural to want to figure out what the attraction was, why they did it, when they did it, and even the nitty-gritty details of how. You’ll feel compelled to ask your spouse but you can be sure they will not tell the truth if they want to stay together because they don’t want to hurt your feelings more.

Take Care of You

Even if you want your marriage to work, it’s okay to take some time away to work on yourself. Get massages, find time to meditate, take up Yoga practice, eat right, read good books, and watch good movies. Get a makeover. Do some things that you’ve wanted to do but felt you couldn’t do or put off doing to take care of everyone else. The fact is, if you don’t take care of yourself no one else will. The other truth is, you are the only one that is truly responsible for your health.

It Probably Wasn’t That Great

Many people who have affairs love their spouses very much and can’t really even pinpoint why they did it other than a misguided attempt at excitement or feeling flattered. The affairs are usually so fantasized that given any entrance of real life anything they shared together would dissolve. You and your spouse have a real life together that includes ups, downs, finances, work, and so much more that is deeper than meeting for 15 minutes of sex. Most people who cheat will say that if they really believed they’d be caught and lose their spouse it would not have been worth it at all.

They Probably Felt Guilty All The Time

It’s more than likely your spouse was always worried and guilty and is relieved a bit that it’s all out in the open so it can be over. For you though, it’s only the beginning. For you questions will exist and you need to get answers to them. But, you have to remember that the guilt your spouse feels will often interfere with their ability to be fully honest with you about the details. So, there is no real point in asking too many questions other than knowing who, and then trying to figure out how you two can move forward.

Get Couples Counseling

Even though affairs are the fault of the cheater, sometimes they do have origins in the issues with the marriage prior to the cheating started. There are many cases where this is not true though, but you won’t know unless you go to counseling and speak with someone who understands the dynamics of cheating for both men and women and of cheaters and those cheated on.

Refocus on Something New

When the thoughts come into your head, try doing something to refocus your mind to new and more positive thoughts. One way to do that is to keep a positivity journal. Take out your journal and start writing about positive things that happened to you during the day, or positive dreams that you have for the future.

Remember that Someone Always Has it Worse

Try volunteering to help abandoned animals, homeless people or abused children, or get involved in another cause that you care about. It’s amazing how small your own issues will feel when you look at someone else’s plight. Plus, you’re going to feel really good about yourself which will make it easier to avoid the haunting thoughts of the affair.

Read Positive Books

There are a lot of self-help books, life coaching and programs available that can help you overcome the infidelity and stop the haunting thoughts about the cheating. The more you surround yourself with positive ways to look at things and do things the better your life will become. You can even improve your life on the back of the cheating if you just try to learn the lessons that you need to learn from it.

Start Something New Together

If you and your spouse have tried to make your marriage work, but you’re still haunted by the affair get involved in something new as a couple so that you can build new happy memories that don’t have anything to do with the cheating. Pick something neither of you have done before and get involved with both feet and you’ll be surprised at all the new memories that you’ll make together that will help end the thoughts that still haunt you. Dealing with infidelity can be a very hard time in your life, and at times it will feel like part of your story that takes over your life that haunts every aspect of your happiness. But, by making the right goals and taking the right steps in your life you can overcome and deal with the haunting thoughts caused by infidelity.