How do we forgive?

I received an email from a reader in my response to my last article, sharing with me a very unfortunate incident that cost her something that is very important to her, and at the end of the email, she asked me, "How do I forgive?"

I choose to address this question in today's article because to me, aside from gratitude and love, forgiveness is the most important ingredient for our healing process. With forgiveness, you can let go. With forgiveness, you can be at peace. With forgiveness...you can be free.

But for most of us, it's easier said than done. How do we forgive when there was injustice, when the perpetuator was unpunished, and when the wrong was not made right? How can we forgive when such harm was done to us, and up till now we are still suffering because of it?

From my experience, there are a few reasons why we may be unable to forgive, or why we may not even want to forgive.

1) We believe we have a right to stay angry and resentful. We have a very good reason to feel the way we do, and there is no good reason to forgive.

Logically speaking, it may be true that you have a good reason to feel the way you do. But what are the consequences of this? Anger and resentment simply feels... bad. More than that, it creates illness in the body, such as ulcers, fibroids, tumours, and even cancer. Negative emotions such as anger and resentment has the ability to disrupt the energy in your body so that it prevents you from experiencing well-being, both physical and emotional. Perhaps this alone, is a good reason to let go of your anger and resentment?

2) We believe that if we forgive, it means that we let the perpetuator off, and he or she doesn't deserve it.

For some reason, some of us may believe that holding a grudge against that person punishes him or her in some way. On the contrary, the one that gets punished is ourselves. It's like the quote "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." Forgive, and you don't let the other person off. You let yourself off.

3) We believe that if we forgive, that person may come back to hurt us again.

This may be realistically true, especially if this person is still in your life and continues to display hurtful behaviour. However, to put it quite bluntly, being forgiving doesn't equate to being stupid. You can forgive the person, and at the same time, take action to ensure that you do not get hurt again. Keep a distance, set boundaries, learn to say no, and again and again if necessary. The ultimate would be to have such compassion for that person, that you see that they are hurting themselves as well, and you are willing to love that person anyway and accept their hurtful behaviour, trusting that when the time is right, they will learn to be better people. And in the meantime, you can keep loving them.

I once heard of a true story about a wife who constantly got ill-treated by her husband, to the point when she just couldn't take it anymore and considered leaving him. She went to a famous monk for advice, and the monk's advice for her to keep loving and forgiving him. Because she trusted the monk so much, she decided to take his advice. And for the next few months, nothing changed. Her husband kept behaving horribly to her, and she kept sending love and forgiveness to him. Years later, the monk saw her, and she looked happy, so he asked her if she was still with her husband. She replied yes, and that her husband treats her very well now. The monk's advice of sending love and forgiveness had worked.

Now I'm not saying that those who suffer spousal abuse shouldn't leave their marriages. Leaving is always an option, and sometimes a very wise one. But there are those who find the strength to use love and forgiveness to overcome the situation, and as the above story proves, it can be very powerful indeed.

This whole topic on forgiveness may be a tough pill for some to swallow, especially if you are caught in a situation where you find it exceedingly hard to forgive. But I do hope that this article would give you a different perspective on forgiveness, and that you will find your way into forgiveness one day.

Sooo.... for those of you who have yet to forgive a certain person in your life, here's a tapping exercise you may want to use:

Tapping on the Karate Chop point, say "Even though it is impossible for me to forgive this person, and there is a part of me who really doesn't want to, I deeply and completely love this part of me, and I am willing to honour the anger and resentment within me, and give it permission to stay for as long as it wants, until I am ready to fully let it go."

Tap on the remaining EFT points noticing the thoughts and emotions that arise as you do so.

If you have trouble clearing all the negative emotions and healing yourself completely, I welcome you to arrange for a session with me by going to my website www.lenashealinghaven.com and sending me an email from the homepage. The EFT healing process is very natural and simple, and you might be amazed at how much difference a single EFT session might make. I will also teach you how to do EFT so that you may continue to heal yourself using EFT after the session.