How Much is Too Much

Article: Written By Renee L Richardson

Sharing Within an Intimate Relationship: How much is too much?

When we fall in love, we are ecstatic over our newly found love. It seems as though all senses and usage of boundaries are set aside in the attempt to not appear as uncaring, selfish, hard-hearted beings. We become preoccupied with our looking good for the brand new love of our life thereby forgetting about protecting ourselves. Why on earth would we need to remember to keep in the forefronts of our minds the possible hurt, deceit, and manipulations of which can be inflicted upon us when blinded by LOVE? So, instead of bearing in mind the many times of which we may have concluded dissatisfied with this “thing” called love, we convince ourselves into wiping the slate of past pain clean in the hopes of sustaining adequate intimacy this go around.

Is sharing a healthy component of intimacy?
Sharing with partners could be viewed as a healthy aspect of which could build a stronger bond. For instance, spontaneously covering the tab while on a dinner date can be a great way for a woman to show her independence; while such could also be viewed as sexy. A reciprocal exchange of paying for fun is definitely a healthy component within a relationship. However, if one partner expects for the other to cover the majority of financial responsibilities within the relationship, something has definitely gone wrong.

Unhealthy Sharing

Have you ever felt as if you were being railroaded and you are unable to pinpoint how, where and when it began? I can remember being within intimate relationships where my partner felt as since of entitlement to my financial funds. For the life of me, I was unable to distinguish why I felt a sense of obligation to supplying his wants. I became extremely agitated with myself whenever I had to pull out my wallet; such caused a decline in my mood while we were out and the entire date would be ruined.

Childhood

As children, we are groomed into being “people pleasers” as we work extremely hard to get that smile on our caregivers’ faces. We race home with our good report cards and depending on the response of our caregivers, we determine that response as positive or negative. If we receive positive reinforcement from caregivers, we continue to exempt the behaviors of which elicited the positive response. In contrast, if we receive negative feedback, we then climb aboard the ole people pleaser’s surfing board thereby riding the waves until we receive positive feedback from those around us. Where is the ill behavior in wanting to please our loved ones? If you are trying to please someone despite your own happiness such can be a problem.

People Pleasing/Addiction

I can remember developing feelings of anxiety whenever not allowed to overly nurture my spouse. I would experience rapid heartbeat, racing thoughts, and loss of appetite. I felt “locked” out of his life. I think that as people pleasers, we tend to use these behaviors as windows into the emotional lives of others in that we can use these powers to gain a sense of control over the people of which we share relationships. If we are able to get close enough to others via overly nurturing, we seem to think that such will secure our place and love within their hearts. (E.g. If I give him/her everything that they may want, they will treat me nicely, accept me regardless etc.). The people pleaser’s nurturance comes with a big price.

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