How often should you check in with a sick friend?

A colleague recently shared a dilemma with me. One of his friends has been battling leukemia for several months, and he’s not sure how often or even how to contact her. “It’s always been a ‘who’s gonna call whom?’ kind of friendship anyway,” Dwight explained, “and Amy’s never liked to share a lot of personal information, so the relationship is already kind of difficult.” Dwight wants to respect Amy’s boundaries, but also be a good friend by staying in touch and helping her. “So what do I do?” he asked. “Does she have a CarePage or blog?” “If you can believe it,” he sighed, “she doesn’t even use a computer.” “What about the phone? Does she answer or let it go to voicemail?” Dwight explained that Amy’s living with her parents while undergoing chemo, and that they or Amy usually answer the phone. “So,” I said, “you don’t want to be a pest by calling too much, especially since she’s at her parent’s house, but you do want her to know how much you care.” “Right.” After thinking, and referring back to my research and conversations with myriad survivors, therapists, and others, I offered, “Why not just call and say to Amy what I just reflected back to you: that you don’t want to be a pest but do want her to know you care? And add that you’d really like to help. Be sure to offer something specific, like picking up her dry cleaning.” Dwight explained further. “It’s like having an invisible elephant in the room that I have to tiptoe around, because Amy is so private. She may not want help, or might take offense that I offered.” Though that’s possible, it’s unlikely. And in any case, responding honestly, laying your cards on the table with compassion, sincerity, and good intentions is always the best way. It may feel uncomfortable, but it shows that you have enough respect for your friend to ask what she needs, and enough humility to put aside your own issues. This is never more important than when someone is ill, and likely rendered more vulnerable and raw. This is the time to make it about them, not you. You can get support from your well friends. So - how often should you check in on a sick friend? Some like receiving cards every few weeks; some, emails every few days; others, a weekly phone call (it’s good to leave a voicemail saying, “Just thinking about you. No need to call me back unless you feel like it”, which lets them off the hook if they’re not up to talking). Think about who your friend is, and what she or he likes and might needs. Then ask. It’s up to you to find out. Always hope,rnLorirnwww.LoriHope.comrnAuthor of Help Me Live: 20 things people with cancer want you to know This post originally appeared on Hope's CarePages blog, "Hope for Cancer: what helps. what hurts. what heals."