How to Break Through Invisible Widow / Divorcee Dating Barriers

Successfully growing a rewarding relationship with that new special someone is often easier said than done for previously married singles. It gets even trickier when divorcees attempt to connect with widows. For several subtle reasons, each person’s vastly different experience with marital relationships can make it difficult to break through these unexpected barriers. Are these hurdles hard to overcome? Somewhat. Impossible? Not at all. Can the positive rewards of success more than justify the marginal additional investment and effort? ABSOLUTELY! The key to successfully moving beyond these differences is to understand that they exist largely because of why previous married relationships ended, and how the people involved feel about their previous mate going forward. First, let’s explore the typical experience of divorced men and women. Marriages that crumble into divorce often end on a terribly bitter note. The deep hurt and broken trust that fed the split can be further compounded by the exhausting legal brawl that many times accompanies the divorce process. In the end, each side feels hugely wronged, vehemently detests the other, and is absolutely ecstatic to be unshackled at last from their repulsive former mate. Now we’ll consider the widow’s perspective. Surviving widows often had a very different reaction after losing their mate and marriage. Regardless if death was expected or not, gut-wrenching feelings of great loss coupled with anger and resentment were certainly large parts of their overall grieving experience. However unlike divorcees, who focus their rage on their Ex, widow / widowers typically direct their anger at whatever fatal situation took their spouse, be it disease, an accident or other event, a third party, or even God himself … not the lost spouse. So quite the opposite, widows / widowers very often hold a great deal of ongoing sympathy and compassion toward their passed mate. The key takeaway here is to bear in mind that “why” a relationship ends hugely impacts “how” the remaining party feels and talks about their previous mate going forward. These are key considerations that can set the stage for unexpected disconnects in the early dating process. Additional issues that further complicate the dating game are our own personal life experiences and resulting tendencies, coupled with age. As we mature, experience shows that new dating prospects are most likely to be divorced, followed by never-marrieds and widows / widowers. Customary dating etiquette further says that early on it’s considered rude to inquire too deeply (if at all) about the finer details of the other person’s previous marriage. This unspoken “don’t ask” axiom rarely causes problems when divorced people date other divorcees. Each side naturally assumes the other went through some bloody form of uniquely personal Hell, and avoids contacting those raw, exposed nerves early on. Yet both people dearly want to understand exactly how the other side feels about their Ex. Have they emotionally “gotten over” them, or is some level of messy entanglement still hanging around? To achieve this as painlessly as possible, savvy divorced daters often take a less intrusive approach. While they won’t directly ask during light conversation, one side may offer a revealing comment regarding their own situation, such as “… compared to my (insert optional expletive here) Ex, oozing green pond scum represents a quantum evolutionary leap forward” (sort of a schmoozy “I showed you mine now you show me yours” type gambit.) It’s then up to the other side to somehow respond in kind. What they say or don’t say speaks volumes about where they are regarding their Ex. In net, these informal yet revealing exchanges help defuse the tension surrounding this critical issue, and further help to open up the dialogue. They also tacitly signal that the respective dater has emotionally “gotten over” their (lower-than-slime) Ex. Divorced people tend to feel very strongly that the process of “getting over” someone represents a critical milestone on the path to successful dating (probably with good reason.) On the other hand, while the same “don’t ask” etiquette applies when divorced people date widows / widowers, unexpected misunderstandings often crop up. A prime example of this often occurs when widow(ers) come across similar sharing opportunities during conversation and then warmly reminisce about their loving departed spouse at length. This unexpectedly positive recounting can absolutely unnerve many divorcees because, as you’ll recall, they’re largely accustomed to hearing previous dates calmly slice their Ex’s into itty-bitty pieces with cool, detached relish. The stunned divorcee’s almost involuntary reflex can be virtually instantaneous. They become very insecure and leap to the conclusion that the widow(er), in divorcee-speak, hasn’t “‘gotten over” their passed spouse. This occurs because they assume widows recover and move forward from previous relationships in much the same way they do. In fact each group accomplishes this important task in very different ways. Another case in point is while time passes and the relationship slowly expands, the divorcee occasionally hears the widow(er)’s family or friends referring to the passed spouse in the same warm, glowing terms. Insecurity insidiously creeps in from this wholly unexpected source, and the divorcee becomes increasingly defensive because they feel they’re being unfairly compared to and subtly competing head-on against the purified memories of someone placed on a high pedestal. The resulting anxieties that these two misunderstandings trigger can quickly kill a promising match up before it has any chance to take root and blossom. Now for the good news: neither of these suppositions are accurate, nor do they have any basis in what is really happening with the widow or widower. In truth, widowed people never “get over” their passed spouse the same way or for the same reasons that divorcees aggressively disconnect from their Exs. Instead, they go through a much gentler (and sometimes more extensive) process of “letting go” of them. This is like learning how to deal with the death of a loved parent, sibling or close friend. As you can probably imagine, it’s impossible to merely “get over”, forget about or actively ignore the deep loving feelings you had for these key people in your life. So like you, widows / widowers gradually learn over time how to successfully yet regretfully let go and move on with their life without their loved one, and gently tuck their warm, loving memories in a warm, special place in their heart. It’s also critical to understand that widows / widowers typically don’t venture out into the scary new world of dating until they feel they’ve successfully moved beyond this “letting go” milestone. So divorcees don’t have to be overly concerned whether widows / widowers are emotionally ready to engage in a new relationship. If widows are out there and you’ve met one in a dating situation, they’re largely ready. One more thing … regarding the “comparison to the passed spouse on a pedestal” issue. Here’s a simple way to look at this situation. Imagine you’re on a delightful vacation trip in Florida with someone who’s becoming an increasingly important part of your life. While you’re there, possibly after a few tart refreshing margaritas out on a bright, sunny beach (the Naples Pier area is just fantastic BTW), this person nostalgically recounts the marvelous time they had on a trip they took to California with someone else long before they met you. Ohmygod! What just happened here? Should you be concerned? Is your friend really subtly comparing you to the California person? Are you somehow unknowingly competing with what the California trip person did, was or how they acted? Probably not. Realistically speaking, all that’s happening is your friend is sharing with you more about the history of other enjoyable trips he or she has taken. Nothing more, no insidious hidden agenda. It has nothing to do with how they’re feeling about you in the present. Look at this from the positive perspective. You have your friend’s full, undivided attention, they’re deep in the moment with just you, and previous relations continue to rapidly retreat into the ever-fading past. You also have a precious new insight into some of your friend’s earlier experiences (and you know everyone enjoyed themselves!) Best of all, if there is any hinting going on here, it may be that he or she would really enjoy “taking a trip to California” with you! Seriously. Relax, have fun, enjoy the conversation and above all else, be yourself. Bonus Widow Dating Tip Section! Here’s another important yet little understood widow dating secret (but please don’t share this with anyone else.) Widows / widowers who are ready to date (in other words, people who’ve progressed well through the grieving process and are successfully moving forward with their lives) generally don’t behave like they’re made out of fragile glass, and won’t fracture into a million pieces if you ask respectfully about their passed spouse or life. In fact, most actually like it when you’re appropriately curious about their passed spouse and relationship! It’s OK to gently and respectfully inquire about various aspects of their situation and past. While a few may have reservations about sharing information regarding their past (that’s OK, it’s their choice), the large majority will openly welcome the opportunity to recount their wonderful experiences with you. Truth be told, widow(ers) feel this helps you to better understand and connect with them, while it also shows that you’re expressing a sincere interest in them! So don’t feel shy or awkward, or that you’re callously prying into deeply personal affairs. Compassionately and respectfully ask away! (And if they’re not OK with that, they’ll probably tell you and not respond.) End of secret. Good luck and good dating!