How to Communicate Better with your Partner

We've all heard it before: Communication is the key to a healthy relationship. While this has sort of become a cliché, it does hold some truth. In fact, communication is the fundamental building block for any successful relationship, both romantic and non-romantic. For instance, if we don’t communicate effectively with our friends, disagreements and arguments can begin and we may end up losing our friendship. The same is true for family relationships: if we don’t communicate properly with the members of our family, this often leads to assumptions and accusations being made, which then leads to our trust in that family member being lost. So you see, communication affects all domains of our lives. However, today’s blog will focus on how to communicate better with your romantic partner (but the tips I provide can be altered and applied to any relationship).

Whether you are married, living together, or casually dating, communication is an important aspect of your relationship. If you want your relationship to thrive, good communication skills must be firmly in place. When you look at couples who have been together for several years and wonder why, the answer can be found in their ability to communicate effectively with one another. Disagreements and arguments between couples are normal to a degree, but in order to resolve these difficulties and have an open, honest, healthy relationship, positive communication skills must be applied. When couples disagree, it can spiral into a full-blow argument. This is usually due to a lack of healthy communication skills within the couples’ repertoire. When you and your partner engage in arguing back and forth, you are not resolving anything and neither partner will be satisfied. This will continue in an ongoing, vicious cycle until it finally takes a detrimental toll on your relationship.

Many couples benefit from Couples Counseling or Marriage Counseling for things like this. However in my experience, regardless of the couple, poor communication skills are usually the underlying reason for the couple being in this position. If you are looking for counseling in San Diego, whether it be a Couples Counselor or Couples Therapist, contact me for a consultation. In the mean time, here are 3 communication tips that you can try to implement within your relationship:

1) Be specific with your partner: This means telling him/her exactly what it is that you need or want. As much as we’d like people to be able to “just know”, people aren’t mind-readers. We can’t expect someone to know what we’re thinking unless we communicate with them and tell them. Couples tend to play "mind games" or drop "hints" which they may think are obvious to their partner, but often they are not. If you want something from your partner, you have to tell him/her! 2) Avoid saying "YOU": Using the word “you” implies blame, and blaming someone automatically triggers a defensive response. The person you are “attacking” is no longer listening to the rest of your rant. Instead, he/she is focused on the fact that you are blaming them for something, and are busy mentally preparing a defensive retaliation. Instead of saying "you", rephrase your sentence in such a way that you get your point across, but without accusing your partner. For example, instead of saying “You really upset me when you ignored my phone call this afternoon”, you could try saying something like “It makes me feel upset and angry when people don’t answer my calls”. See the difference? In the second example, you are still getting the point across (that you’re upset), but you are generalizing by using the word "people" instead of "you". This will make your partner more receptive to what you have to say, and also more likely to listen to you, since you are no longer blaming him/her directly. Also, by starting with “I feel” or “It makes me feel” you are communicating your feelings to your partner in a very direct manner. Remember, no one can tell you how something made you feel. Your feelings are not up for debate. 3) Take Responsibility for your Actions and say “Sorry” when necessary: Remember, it takes two to tango. Sometimes an argument may seem like it is one-sided and all his/her fault, but often something you said or did triggered this behavior in your partner. This is not to say that your partner’s response is warranted, but rather just to make you aware that people tend not to argue with themselves. Perhaps your partner misperceived or misinterpreted something you did or said. Own up to this, and if you are in fact guilty, acknowledge this and apologize for your actions. Apologizing does not indicate weakness, rather, it shows that you are able to recognize what you did wrong and take ownership for it. Instead of defending an action that you and your partner both know was wrong, admit you were in the wrong and attempt to correct it. Your partner deserves to be treated with respect, and by apologizing and taking ownership for something you’ve done that was wrong, you are giving him/her this respect. Also, when the tables are turned and your partner is in the wrong, he/she is more likely to own up to it and apologize for it if you have done so in the past.