How to Control Possessiveness in Relationships

Possessiveness can be a bad habit for either partner, male or female. I’ll use the masculine pronoun here, just to make it easy to read. So, what is possessiveness in a relationship? A desire to dominate your mate, an attitude that says: nothing moves without my approval. To be possessive means to deny your companion his free space and to even get upset when he doesn’t do things the way you want them.

Recognizing a possessive companion is not always easy; the first months with a possessive partner can be romantic and pleasant. Firstly, they will show intensity in the relationship, usually being the initiators of activities or common time. They tend to commit at a fast pace and ask for the same; to accomplish all that, they come up with compliments about the beauty of their lover, romantic gestures and gifts. They love to spend a lot of time together.

Now there are 2 situations that have different approaches:

• You are the possessive one in the relationship

• Your partner displays a possessive behavior

1. If you are the controlling one then, there is a direct, if not easy road, you have to take: change yourself. First of all you have to understand that everyone needs his space and personal sense of freedom. If you were never in the situation that you craved space for yourself, free time to spend with your friends or just alone, that does not mean that your mate doesn't need it either.

Find something to do, get a hobby or something that makes you happy without your mate; think about what you were doing before you had your companion; spend more time with your friends; let him call you first the next day, or call him in the evening if you both decided to talk every day; if not, call him after a day or two. It is more likely that he will call you back sooner than you hoped, but later than you were going to do it yourself.

Help him know what you feel, tell him that you realized your need for control and that you want him to support you letting go of that feeling. Get to know his friends so that you liberate the tension from excessive jealousy. If you are in the mood for something and the other is not, ask them why, try to see their point of view. Let him come up with something to do, see what he likes. The strongest ally here is communication and if he cares for you, he will support you and the relationship will grow in a healthy way. Remember that your affection for him has to be genuine and not one of an obsessive controller.

2. Your partner is the possessive one and you want to create a healthy relationship. COMMUNICATION and UNDERSTANDING are the keys here. First comes the understanding: he may have or had in the past some family issues, like violence, be it verbal or physical, or he might come from a dysfunctional family.

When you start a discussion about his desire to control you, be careful of what you say, don’t address these issues too directly so that he won’t feel offended. Find a moment when he’s in a good mood and tell them, using a joke or a light tone that it’s not necessary for everything to happen the way he wants it and that he doesn’t have to be right all the time. He has to understand that you need space, time to go out with your friends or other single type activities. Ask him to let you make the call next time, and explain to him that he might enjoy the moment much more if it is you who desire to do something together, for a change.