How to Develop Self-Awareness & Succeed with Your Relationships 1: Stages of the Process

If you are sincerely motivated to develop a satisfying relationship and haven’t succeeded until now, developing your Self-Awareness is a must. It is the only means by which you can realize what made you fail in your relationships until now, change what needs change and become empowered to develop a satisfying intimacy.
Listed below are the key steps you go thorough as you embark on the process of Self-Awareness:

STAGES OF THE PROCESS

Developing Self-Awareness is an 8 stage process. They don’t necessarily come in a specific order. As you develop your Self-Awareness, they might intermingle with each another. Together they enable you to gather information, gain insights and better understand the ways in which you harm your relationships:

1. Observing yourself;

2. Asking yourself questions;

3. Reporting to yourself what you have observed;

4. Identifying what exerts power over you;

5. Realizing how you interpret things;

6. Seeing the connection between these factors and your thoughts, feelings, attitudes, interpretations, reactions and behaviors;

7. Recognizing the justifications and excuses you use to explain your failures;

8. Acknowledging and accepting what you have observed and found out.

1. OBSERVING YOURSELF

Developing your Self-Awareness begins with learning to observe yourself. It means: looking inwards and paying attention to what you see.

You may wonder: is it possible to look inwards? Is it possible to observe myself?

My answer: It is possible! You can observe yourself from the side! Just like writers do when writing their autobiography; or painters when painting their self-portrait.

What Do You Observe?

You observe and pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, attitudes, reactions and behaviors.

In which situations do you observe?

You can observe yourself in two basic situations:

1) In a specific situation while interacting with your partner;

2) In retrospect, as you reflect about and think over previous relationships you had.

2. ASKING YOURSELF QUESTIONS

Asking yourself questions enables you to observe yourself as accurately as possible. These are questions which, in all likelihood, you haven’t asked yourself before. These will enable you:

1) To see whether there are any patterns which repeat themselves throughout all your interactions with partners;

2) To understand what might have driven you to feel, think, react and behave in the harmful ways you do.

The information and insights you get from your observations are of uttermost importance: for maybe the first time you can pinpoint to yourself what is it exactly that you do, think or feel which might harm your relationship(s) or drive you to stay single.

3. REPORTING TO YOURSELF WHAT YOU HAVE OBSERVED

Getting information and insights are important. It is important too that you honestly report to yourself what you have observed. We all have the tendency to close our eyes to what we prefer not to see. But then, you shoot yourself in the foot (once again!).

The more honest you are in reporting to yourself what you have observed, the easier it will be for you to know how to change whatever needs change.

Honestly reporting is not easy. You might feel shame for not having seen it before (feeling that “Wow! It is so obvious! How could I not see it before!”). You might feel awful about having put all the blame for your failed relationships on your ex-partners. You might feel “stupid” for not having seen the obvious.

But now that you have decided to develop your Self-Awareness, you must be honest with yourself regarding what you observe. The more honest you are, the more you will understand – once and for all! – how your thinking, feelings, attitudes, reactions and behaviors might harm your relationships (or drive you to stay single). It is only then that you will be able to make the necessary changes.

4. IDENTIFYING WHAT EXERTS POWER OVER YOU

As you carefully observe yourself in both a specific situation or in past ones, and honestly report to yourself what you see, you can begin to identify what exerts power over your thoughts, feelings, attitudes, reactions and behaviors.

You may notice, for example, that:

* There are fears that control you;

* There are needs which drive you to behave with your partners in unhealthy ways;

* You hang-on to unrealistic expectations about partners and relationships which sabotaged your relationships;

* You hold-on to out-of-reach fantasies which deluded and hurt you;

* You might hold-on to a belief-system about partners, relationships, and the other sex which has driven you to react and behave in unhealthy ways with your partners.

As you identify these factors – as well as other ones unique to you – you can become empowered to de-activate their power, choose to react and behave differently, in ways vital for a constructive relationship.

5. REALIZING HOW YOU INTERPRET THINGS

As you gather information and get insights you are able to see how you interpret things due to the factors which exert power over you.

* Your fears and belief-system, for example, might make you believe that your partner is always “against you”;

* Your needs might make you feel that your partner “doesn’t love you enough” (and “this is why he/she never remembers my birthday!”);

* Your unfinished business with one of your parents, for example, might make you perceive your partner as someone who “controls you all the time”.

Such interpretations affect your reactions and behaviors and harm your relationships.

Becoming aware of your interpretations and understanding where they originate enables you to stop making such interpretations. You can then watch yourself and your interactions in a more realistic and factual way.

6. SEEING THE CONNECTION betwee
THESE FACTORS and YOUR THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, ATTITUDES, INTERPRETATIONS, REACTONS AND BEHAVIORS

Identifying the factors which exert power over you enables you to see the connection between them and your thoughts, feelings, attitudes, interpretations, reactions and behaviors. You can now understand how they have driven you to fail. This understanding enables you to de-activate their power and make the necessary changes.

7. RECOGNIZING THE JUSTIFICATIONS AND EXCUSES YOU USE TO EXPLAIN YOUR FAILURES

Honestly observing yourself and the ways in which you have sabotaged your relationships until now enables you to recognize the justifications and excuses you used to explain your failures (such as: “I’m too busy pursuing my career at the moment”; “The time isn’t ripe yet”; “I’m too loving and good and partners take advantage of it”; “I actually don’t really want a committed relationship yet”;).
It is always easier to self-manipulate yourself into thinking one thing rather than another, in order to “protect” yourself from acknowledging your failures. Such self-manipulations border on denial and ignoring the truth.

Recognizing the ways in which you self-manipulate and deceive yourself (as well as others) enables you to move a step closer to acknowledging the true situation you are in and being able to change it.

8. ACKNOWLEDGING AND ACCEPTING WHAT YOU HAVE OBSERVED AND FOUND OUT

Now that you have observed yourself, honestly reported to yourself what you have seen and identified the factors which exert power over your thoughts, feelings, attitudes, reactions and behaviors, you must acknowledge and accept what you have observed and found out.

This is of uttermost important: we all have the tendency to deny, reject and ignore what we don’t like about ourselves and don’t want to admit. By honestly reporting to yourself what you have observed you begin to overcome these defence-mechanisms and be true with yourself.

When you acknowledge and accept what you have observed and identified, you admit that yes, this is the way things are!

It is now that you can move on to change what needs change and (finally) develop a successful intimate relationship.

DEVELOPING SELF-AWARENESS: THE PROCESS

As you go through the 8 stages of The Self-Awareness process you become able to stop shooting yourself in the foot in relationships, develop and maintain successful intimacy.

Developing your Self-Awareness is a process which takes time and courage (to honestly observe, acknowledge and admit). It also takes motivation and perseverance. There are no tips and quick-fix solutions to developing Self-Awareness. Each individual develops Self-Awareness according to his/her unique process. There are those who go through the process quickly, those who go through it slowly; some develop it “one step at a time”, others develop it constantly over a long period of time.

If you are sincerely motivated to develop a satisfying relationship and haven’t succeeded until now, developing your Self-Awareness is a must – in whichever way you develop yours. It is the only means by which you can realize what made you fail in your relationships until now, change what needs change and become empowered to develop a satisfying intimacy.