How to Develop Sensitive and Effective Communication in Your Marriage

Communication is certainly one of the most important aspects of a marriage. Without healthy communication, almost every other area of your marriage is likely to suffer. However, many people aren’t sure how to communicate effectively. How Communication is Learned People start learning about communication within the family in childhood. Children witness how their parents communicate with others. Also, the parents speak to their children begins to set the tone for a child’s communication style. A child who has to yell to be heard might find that he continues to yell a lot as an adult. Or a child who avoids getting yelled at by staying quiet, might find it hard to speak up for himself as an adult. Or, he might find that he overcompensates by becoming extremely demanding. You aren’t destined to be stuck with whatever communication style your parents used however. People continue to learn about communication through school, work, and their own relationships. Old habits can be difficult to break, however. Unhealthy Patterns of Communication When people find that a certain way of communicating works, it often becomes a pattern. Just because something works however, doesn’t mean it is healthy. For example, if a man yells at his wife to clean the house, she might agree to clean, only to get him to stop yelling. The man might then think that yelling is a great way to get things done. However it is likely to cause marital problems over time. Here are some of the most common patterns in unhealthy communication: • Critical Communication– Sometimes people criticize their spouse’s behavior, personality, or even feelings. Examples include saying, “You’re always so sensitive,” or “You never help out around the house.” Critical communication attacks the other person with an accusation. Sometimes, criticism is also displayed in the tone of voice. It tends to cause the other person to become defensiveness and is ineffective in solving a problem. • Controlling Communication- Controlling communication is meant to get the other person to do what you want them to do. Examples include saying, “I want you to shut off the TV and go mow the lawn,” or “You need to stop spending so much time with your friends.” It sends the message that “You have to do something because I said,” and it is often met with resistance. • Passive-Aggressive Communication- Passive-aggressive communication is a complex and indirect form of communication where a person pretends to play nice but attempts to secretly sabotage the other person’s efforts. Examples include a person mumbling insults instead of directly confronting the problem or smiling sarcastically when feeling angry. Passive-aggressive communication leads to a lot of frustration and tends to cause distance in a relationship as conflict is avoided instead of being resolved. Effective Communication Effective communication requires you to directly state your feelings and your needs without demanding that your spouse do something about it. Instead, it accepts that your spouse may or may not want to do what you’re asking. It also invites your spouse to talk freely. Effective communication often starts with sentences such as “I feel” or “I would like.” Examples of effective communication include saying, “I feel really bad when I’m at home and you’re out with your friends,” or “I would like to find a way to keep the house cleaner.” Effective communication requires excellent listening skills. It means not interrupting your spouse and really listening to what your spouse is trying to say. It also means asking questions to gain clarification. When people communicate effectively they are able to work together to resolve problems. They’re also able to feel validated and can see problems from one another’s point of view. When the conversation is over, no one should feel like there was a winner or a loser. Instead, both people should feel heard. Improving Your Communication It takes a lot of work to break ineffective patterns of communication if you’ve gotten in the habit, however, it can be done. The first step is recognizing what techniques you tend to use. It can be difficult sometimes to objectively evaluate your own communication style. However, think about the past few arguments you had and see if you can figure out the role your communication played in that argument. Also, take a look at whether or not your communication with your spouse is similar to the way you communicate with others. Perhaps you use the communication with your boss, co-workers, friends and family. If so, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to practice making more effective changes. If not, it might be worth investigating why you communicate with your spouse that way. Next, identify alternative ways you could have communicated with your spouse that could have been more effective. Then, you can decide how you can tackle similar problems in the future by communicating more effectively. If you feel stuck trying to change your communication with your spouse, try marriage counseling. Marriage counseling can be a great way to target specific problems and learn new skills. If your spouse isn’t interested in going to marriage counseling, you can always go by yourself.