How to Give Feedback Without Hitting a Nerve

Giving effective feedback to other people, at home or at work, is an art. Here are some tips on how to get your point across with tact and keep your good relationship with someone at your job or in your family.

First, describe the situation. Make sure you’re both talking about the same problem or issue. We all live in our own subjective reality and misunderstandings really aren’t worth getting mad about.
Next, ask the other person for his or her view of the situation. (Yes, this involves listening!)
Be sensitive to people’s feelings. It’s possible to talk about problems without hurting feelings or creating defensiveness, when you focus on the topic and why it matters to both of you.
Feedback should be as specific as possible. People have a difficult time responding to requests that are vague and unclear. Avoid assuming that you are on the same wavelength.
Think it through. Always plan what you want to say before giving feedback. Taking the time to gather your thoughts and clarify what you want your feedback to accomplish increases the chances that you will communicate clearly.
Ask first. Get the other person’s point of view before you state what you think should be done. People are more receptive when they have a chance to explain themselves first. You might also learn something unexpected that will explain the situation or change your point of view.
Follow up. If you see that the other person responded to your feedback, you still need to follow up. When you follow up, you are telling co-workers or family that you care, and that the relationship is important.