How to Improve Self Esteem and Live a Better Life

One of the questions psychologists and counselors of all kinds find themselves having to deal with rather frequently nowadays is the question on how to improve self esteem. Majority of the people who pose this question tend to be those who have come to the conclusion that most of the unhappiness in their lives is attributable to low self esteem. They therefore seek to know how they can improve their self-esteem, and hence overcome the unhappiness in their lives brought about by low self esteem -- conversely increasing the happiness in their lives. The relationship between low self esteem and unhappiness The presumption that at least some unhappiness is brought about by low self esteem is one we have to deal with, before proceeding with this discussion on how to improve self esteem and increase one’s happiness. We first of all need to deal with the question as to whether, indeed, it is true that some unhappiness is brought about by low self esteem. Whilst most people have already accepted it (that some unhappiness is brought about by low self esteem) as a statement of fact, there are those who opt to contest it. But given the fact that this is not really a discussion on the relationship between low self esteem and unhappiness, we won’t dwell too much on that question. Suffice it to say that, indeed (and incontestably), a great deal of unhappiness in our lives is caused by our worry as to ‘what others will think of us.’ Suffice it also to say that this worry (about others’ perceptions of us) tends to be inversely related to our self esteem. That is to say, the lower our self esteem, the greater this worry about others’ perceptions of us tends to be. Conversely, the higher our levels of self esteem, the lower/less our worry about others’ perceptions of us. How higher self esteem leads to more happiness Now, just think about it: how greater would your happiness be (than it is currently) if you didn’t worry too much about others’ perception of you – like what others will think about you, what others will say about you… and so on? If you answer that question honestly, you’ll see how working to improve self esteem can result in enhanced happiness. Of course, there are many other mechanisms through which improved self esteem results in enhanced happiness (not just the one where high self esteem helps you stop worrying too much about what others think of you). It is also worth remembering that people with high self esteem tend to have more friends, and to have better relationships with their friends -- which results in more happiness. Further, people with high self esteem tend to have better relationships with themselves. They are less prone to unfair/intense self-criticism when they fail. They are generally kinder to themselves. And that translates into higher levels of happiness. Self esteem and success In fact, attempts have also been made to correlate high self esteem to success in various endeavors – and it would seem as if high self esteem doesn’t just result in higher levels of happiness, but also in greater levels of success. That is especially the case in things like business, where success depends on networking: an undertaking in which people with high self esteem tend to be very good at. The ultimate key to improved self esteem So, if having high self esteem can be so beneficial, many people ask, how can they go about improving their self esteem levels? And that is where we come to learn that there is one (ultimate) way in which you can change your thinking patterns – and hence increase your happiness. The ultimate way in which you can improve self esteem and increase your happiness is by simply by starting to treat yourself as a ‘dear friend.’ Self esteem is basically a question of the relationship you have with yourself. If you don’t respect yourself, if you are perpetually criticizing yourself (mentally), if you don’t take proper care of yourself, it is hard to have high self esteem. Start treating yourself as a dear friend in every way, in every moment. That’s the key point, the rest are details! We venture to look at those ‘details’ now. Self affirmation as a way to improve self esteem One of the ways in which you can treat yourself as a dear friend, and hence improve your self esteem would be by affirming yourself. Friends affirm each other (not necessarily through the use of the so-called ‘affirmations’ but also through their moment to moment dialogs). Thus, if your moment to moment dialog with yourself is self-affirming, rather than self-depreciating, you are likely to ultimately end up with high self esteem. Of course, to change yourself in this way, you’d have to change your long-held thinking habits – which can be a challenging piece of work -- but the benefits are worth the effort. Keeping promises to oneself as a way to improve self esteem Another way in which you can treat yourself as a dear friend and hence improve your self esteem would be by keeping promises you make to yourself. Friends keep the promises they make to each other. In this context, this mostly means acting on your plans (rather than chronically messing up with your plans). If you plan to do something, and you don’t do it, your self-esteem actually takes a beating. Re-read that statement. Of course, this assertion that to improve self esteem you need to respect your plans and make an effort towards implementing them also means, by extension, that to improve yourself, you need to develop discipline. No, not the harsh discipline of perpetually beating yourself up, but rather, the nice variety of self-discipline: where you make an effort at implementing your plans, knowing that doing so will result in improved self respect (which, by another name, is ‘improved self esteem’). There are some authorities who argue that you can improve your self esteem significantly by simply making reasonable plans and implementing them (and not chronically breaking your promises to yourself). Kindness to oneself as a way to improve self esteem Being kind to yourself is yet another way in which you can change your thinking habits and increase your happiness. This is about learning how to forgive yourself when you blunder. It can be integrated with the point we have just discussed about not breaking your promises. So when, unfortunately, you break your promises to yourself, you forgive yourself fast. Self acceptance as a way to improve self esteem Accepting yourself just as you are is another way in which you can improve self esteem and increase your happiness. Remember, there is a school of thought which holds the view that ‘the body is the self.’ Thus, when you accept your body fully (just as it is – which you can do through the use of the appropriate affirming statements) and carry it with pride, your self esteem receives a huge boost. Conclusion All said and done, it boils down to treating yourself as a dear friend on a moment to moment basis (in thought, word and deed). That is the only way in which you can ultimately and genuinely improve self esteem, thus also increasing your happiness.