How to Not Lose Everything in a Divorce

Well gentlemen, this subject may be lumped into the ‘too tough to answer basket’ along with – ‘How to jump out of a plane at 20,000 feet without a parachute and survive’ and ‘How to get a politician to give you a straight answer’rnNevertheless, let’s take up the challenge - How do you avoid losing everything in a divorce? The most obvious answer has to be – don‘t get married or enter into a long term ‘common law’ relationship. If this was the only away to avoid being skinned in a divorce, many lawyers would soon be applying for jobs at the local hardware store. But, like lemmings over a cliff, we march gleefully to the alter, man after man, to take a bride - ‘til death we do part’. And once you sign that marriage certificate, you are actually signing a contract that says, “If this union goes pear shaped, I the Groom understand that I WILL have to pay.” One of the other divorce safety nets is – don’t have kids.rnOnce you are producing ‘cookie grabbers’, the safety net is replaced by a taught wire and a long balancing pole. And with each new kid, you can add a blindfold, a lead-filled back pack and any other handicapping device that will ensure that if you and the bride decide enough is enough, your fall will be fast, furious and almost fatal. Am I painting a picture of inevitable gloom and doom for the fellows who marry that special someone? Not really. It’s all about reality. The short odds to failure When one in two, 50%, of all first marriages end up in divorce, I believe every man thinking about getting married needs to consider the short odds of failure that face them once they commit to that monogamous union. Don’t get me wrong. In any relationship it takes ‘two to tango’, and men can contribute as much to the demise of a relationship as a woman can. But, generally, if the male is the predominant bread winner and there are children born to the marriage, it doesn’t matter who is to blame for a marriage breakdown – you, Sir, will pay. How can we avoid losing everything in a divorce?rnOne way is to think the same way the rich and famous do. A Pre-Nuptial agreement or Pre Nup. The business of marriage Now, I am not a lawyer, so please seek legal advice if you think that any of these well-meaning, life experience based suggestions appeal to you. For any ordinary guy, suggesting this avenue to an emotional, excitable, pressured, out to make an impression bride-to-be, could result in any number of reactions, however it can either be your making or your downfall for taking a pragmatic approach to protect both parties should the 1:2 odds of marital demise eventuate. But think of it this way. Each of you may bring something tangible, assets, to the union. Its as much of a business partnership as it is an emotional connection. You will both work toward gathering assets during the marriage – property, businesses, vehicles, shares, jewelry, furniture… And if there is a shared ambitiousness, you can gather assets with serious value in a reasonably short time.rnOne the main reasons for divorce is because of financial issues. Not being on the same page – differing visions of security or success. Almost every woman wants security, both financial and emotional, and I suppose most fellows do as well.rnSo why not, when you both know that things are getting serious, and marriage is the next step, open the discussion about career ambitions and financial goals. If the bond is strong enough that you want to marry and be together, it should be strong enough to approach some of life’s ‘formalities’ in a measured and ‘common good’ manner. “Darling, what if we no longer wanted to be together, what could we do to ensure that both of us leave each other strong enough to get on with our lives.” A fair question don’t you think? You are offering her protection as much as you may be protecting yourself if the worst was to happen. I’m already married and if we divorce how do I not get taken to the cleaners? Every relationship is different. Every relationship breakdown is different. And once it appears inevitable that the marriage will end, you can and will get caught up in huge waves of emotion, anxiety, insecurity, blame and frustration, and it is during this time, when you are not thinking straight, when your guard is down, events, and possible your soon to be ex-spouse, conspire to strip you of what you may have worked very hard to achieve. I re-iterate, I am not a lawyer, so seek legal advice if pain persists, however one the best things I have experienced and witnessed is to try and avoid lawyers when the decision is made to go your separate ways. With emotions running high, this may be hard to do, but if you can keep a cool head whilst everyone else is losing theirs, you will have a much better chance of an equitable outcome. Not all divorces are amicable, but if you can work to achieve win/win separation and encourage your wife/partner to engage you in meaningful discussions around the splitting of and divesting of the assets you jointly own – you may just be able to keep your shirt, and pants and shoes! If you have dependent children focus almost all of the discussions around what will be best to secure their futures, and if one partner is severely disadvantaged, this could put at risk their ability to provide for the kids. Keep looking for the win-win. Take nothing for granted And another important piece of advice; keep detailed notes about any of the conversations you’ve had or agreements reached with your partner. These will prove invaluable should she backflip on any agreements or there is conjecture over any ‘I said’ or ‘She said’. If you don’t want to lose everything in a divorce, remember this… The law does not work within the boundaries of common sense, nor do those who uphold it or administer it.rnThe ‘best’ or ‘nicest’ of the two partners doesn’t always win, and once children have been produced as a result of the marriage, your leverage, as the male partner, is weakened, and most women are well aware of that. So never assume something will last forever, although you say it in your vows on a most joyous day. Always be mindful that things can change quickly, it may sound harsh, but always be prepared and take the time and effort to protect what you believe is rightfully yours because as the saying goes – What’s mine is hers and what’s hers is hers.