How to Write a Holiday Letter When Life Isn’t Perfect

Dear Family and Friends, Happy Holidays! This year Johnny was so excited to kick the winning goal in the fall soccer tournament! Jane got cast as the lead in the school play of Our Town, and we are so excited for her. Brad and I are more in love than ever, and our cat, Mittens, has learned how to use the toilet all by herself! Check out the pictures of our awesome life! Hope things are lovely with your family too! Hearts and Flowers, The Joneses Gimme a break. Do you get holiday letters like these from “friends and family” who you don’t stay connected to (Facebook doesn’t count) all year long? Do you then go and feel all bad about yourself and your family because it doesn’t fit in to this pretty picture? Does your reality look more like this? “Finally, this year, Alex didn’t get suspended for having sensory tantrums in school. We continue to fight the good fight with the school district, and frankly, Jack and I are feeling really distant. This raising of a special needs kid is really taking it’s toll on our marriage. Hoping next year is just a little bit easier. Ho Ho Ho.” Is that a little closer to reality? Here’s the thing. Parenting has become the most competitive sport in America. And it shows up even in our Holiday greetings to one another. Don’t believe me? Spend a half an hour at pick up time and listen in. You’ll hear subtle slights, polite jabs, and lots of ‘well my kid’… I keep hearing from mom after mom that they hate this competition—they want to find another way to go forward, to release this weird, icky, isolating competition that has become ingrained in our culture. But how do you do that? How do you break this competitive cycle of parenting, how do you actually tell people you care about what is really going on, in a way that doesn’t leave others feeling burdened or put upon? Sometimes, I think we need to take some advice from our “On The Spectrum” brethren and start using more direct conversation. What if we stopped using euphemisms, stopped asking people to read our minds, thinking “He should just know!.” When sitting down to write your holiday letter this year, consider sharing what is working and not working about life these days. Allow yourself to be vulnerable (things aren’t perfect by any stretch, but somehow Jess and I seem to keep forging on). Allow people in, really in, to your life. You’ll find the support you need, the partners to commiserate, and the friendships to carry on. We all crave more intimate relationships in our lives, but someone has to be the first person to open up, and let the intimacy grow from there.