Husband Doesn't Listen To My Needs: How To Ask For What You Want In A Marriage

Husband Doesn't Listen To My Needs: How To Ask For What You Want In A Marriage In my counseling office, I see a lot of damage done because people don't know how to ask for what they want, or don't think it's OK. Not asking for what you want means you'll eventually resent somebody, and that leads to a lot of strife. So today, I thought I'd give some hints about how to ask for what you want. To really be successful, you need to understand the difference between asking and demanding, and how to approach different people. The Importance of Wanting If you don't know what you want, you'll have trouble getting it and experience a life-long feeling of deprivation, disappointment, scarcity, and resentment. When you aren't able to express what you want clearly you'll have difficulty feeling generous about your partner's wants and needs. In your relationship, asking for what you want in a helpful, non-threatening way helps both you and your partner understand each other. If you don't know what you want, you won't realize if you achieve it. If you don't know what your partner wants, you can wind up with a false or one-sided solution, that will leave one or both of you feeling unsatisfied, overpowered, or manipulated. In couple counseling, when I ask partners to state their wants they often discover to their amazement that their wants are quite similar, and the problem disappears. The conflict between them was only their lack of understanding and communication. Being clear about what you want is like putting all the true facts on the table, just as you lay all the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle out, so you can see them better, and more easily solve your puzzle. Difference between wanting and demanding Much of the confusion about expressing wants occurs because no distinction is made between wanting and demanding. Stating what you want is an effort to communicate clearly, so you and your partner can both be satisfied, while demanding is insisting that your partner give you what you want, without regard for his or her wants and feelings. You can tell the difference because when you are asking, you can handle getting a no answer; when you are demanding, you get upset if what you're asking for is denied. When you ask for what you want, you need to have a back_up plan in case the other person doesn't agree. Find out how to get your spouse to go crazy head over heels for you and desire you in a way you have never experienced! You will be amazed at how good it feels to have your spouse's attention and affection again - Learn more here Gender Differences Women need to know how to ask men for what they want directly, and in a rational, not emotional manner. Men respond much better to "Honey, will you take out the garbage?" than to a whiney "The garbage can is overflowing, and it smells bad." or "I have to do everything around here." The indirect request is a female style of communication that works well with other women, but doesn't work well on men, because our thought processes are different. Men need to learn to listen to women's feelings when they want something. Women do not always respond to a direct request, they do better when feelings are talked about. Saying "Wait till the game is over, honey." will be received by a woman as disregarding her feelings. "I'm sorry it's bothering you, sweetheart, I'll take it out as soon as there's a commercial break." will let her know you care about her feelings, and she'll be happier with it, even though the result is the same. How NOT to get what you want: (Common mistakes) * Exaggerate your want: The fear that you may not get what you want may cause you to say you want more than you really do, ("I want you here all the time"). This is confusing to both you and your partner, and because your wants are exaggerated, makes it look much more difficult to reach a satisfactory solution than it really is. * Overstate your need: The fear that you won't get your wants met may cause you to state what you want as if your survival depended on it ("I'll just DIE if you don't come with me"). This causes your partner to feel suspicious that he or she is being manipulated, and resist cooperating with you. * Argue for or justify your want: Anxiety that your wants are not important enough to be satisfied may lead you to present them as a persuasive argument, with an overwhelming flood of reasons why you should want them or that the wants should be satisfied, ("I should get more of the money than you do, because ......."). This can provoke your partner to object and argue in return, rather than listen. * Not say what you want: Belief that you won't get what you want anyway, or that differences in wants will cause a fight, may lead you to say you "don't care" or "it's not important" or just be silent, when the truth is you'll resent not getting what you want. * Understate your want: Fear that your partner will be upset, hurt or unhappy if you say what you really want may lead you to ask for something else ("Let's ask your sister to go with us" when you really want an evening all alone together.) This confuses your partner, and makes it impossible to get what you really want because you haven't said what it is. Discover one of the most destructive things you're probably doing to your marriage right now that is destroying your chances of saving it. Learn the key tips to make your spouse turn towards you instead of turning away - Learn more here The Importance of Knowing What you Want You may be wondering why being clear about what you want is getting so much emphasis here. Many people have serious trouble knowing what they want, feeling comfortable communicating it, and stating it clearly. Many people have difficulty solving problems because they do not know what they want, or, if they do know, cannot express it effectively to someone else. We often grow up suppressing our desires __ sometimes to the extent of not even being aware of them. Most of us learn in early childhood that: *Wanting is selfish and that we should be polite and let others wants come first ("Be polite, let Susie have the toy") * It isn't OK to want ("Don't even ask me for a cookie just before dinner") * We want too much ("of course you can't have a new toy, do you think I'm made of money?") * If we get what we want, someone else will be deprived. These internalized criticisms and restrictions make us anxious about getting what we want and even convinced that we won't. In addition to all these other restrictions on wanting, you may have the idea that the consequences of wanting are bad (no one will like you), and so it is too scary to know what you want. Because knowing what you want sometimes means you risk being disappointed and many people have an exaggerated idea of how bad disappointment feels (if I don't get what I want I'll be miserable), they avoid wanting at all. There are two emotions that you are probably holding onto that may be pushing your spouse into the arms (and eventually the bed) OF SOMEONE ELSE. Find out what those emotions are and how to keep them under check- Click Here Steps to Getting What You Want: If you have difficulty in knowing what you want and communicating it, try these steps: 1. Get clear about what you want: You can't express what you want effectively if you're not clear what it is, so before approaching your partner, your boss or your child with a request, think about it and make sure you can write it down in one clear sentence. 2. Create a good atmosphere: If asking for what you want is difficult for you, don't do it without preparation. Make sure you and the person you're asking both have time, and invite the other person to sit down and talk with you. 3. Simply state what you want: Don't preface your statement with a lot of disclaimers - they make the other person feel accused of something. Just ask, politely, for what you want. 4. Be prepared to accept a "no.": Remember, if you can't accept a no answer, then you're making a demand, not a request, so have a backup solution. Find a way to get what you want for yourself, even if the other person isn't cooperating. For example, if you don't get that raise you deserve, maybe it's time to begin a job search. 5. Listen politely to the other person's answer: Whether the other person says yes, no, or something in between, listen carefully to what he or she says. Don't get all caught up in a lot of worry and noise inside your head - pay attention. You need to know what the answer is. If you follow these steps, you'll find you're successful a good percentage of the time, and when you aren't you have a backup plan - so you really can't lose. Thinking about regaining the status of "Happily Married"? It is possible, and is not difficult if you think it is not. But exactly how you do so? If you would like the source most couples used to revive their relationship, strengthened their marriage, regain trust and love in the marriage and not giving up then visit this Helpful Site. To learn how to save your marriage even if alone at first, then check out this plan of actions that is 100% guaranteed. Over 60,000 couples were able to save their marriages by doing the very same series of steps that you could be doing. If they saved their marriages then you can too! Click Here to see how it's done... It is very easy to notice a marriage that has chemistry; on the streets, in a hotel or even in a church service, as you look at couples walking or seated together you can tell a healthy marriage by the way they handle each other. Each one of us desires to have a successful marriage, I do not believe that there is any person who gets into marriage relationship with a mentality that it will fall apart, especially if they are in love and have not been pushed into it by circumstances or otherwise. The key to a successful marriage is communication. In fact, it is the life line of any human relationship. Communication is the glue that holds two people together. The truth of the matter is that effective communication is an art that can and must be developed. Communication is more than verbal exchange. It includes facial expressions, gestures, body language and of course eye contact. We also know that the souls communicate, it is known us spiritual communication. This takes place in the subconscious level where motives and feelings are captured and interpreted. Do you ever feel like the only way to resolve a conflict is by slamming the door and walking away? Or by punishing your partner? It doesn't have to be this way. Find out incredibly powerful strategies for resolving your marriage conflicts in a more constructive and less emotionally stressful way - Find out here For effective communication to take place there has to be the communicator, information being relayed, the medium (words, body language and tone of voice just to mention a few) and finally the recipient. In the marriage setting, effective communication takes place when the two people decide to bring skills into they way they communicate. This begins by willingness to be forgiving, patient, cheerful and avoiding private agendas. Before you speak you must listen effectively. Listening goes beyond just hearing, it is trying to capture the words as well as the spirit behind the words. We will never be good communicators until we become good listeners. We must understand that communication is the only vehicle that carries our real essence and conveys it to the environment. Are you tired of living in a relationship in which you feel neglected? Many married people find themselves feeling alone and rejected by their spouse. If you feel taken for granted, there's a way to change that now. To learn more about how to transform your marriage so your spouse loves and adores you more than they ever has before, visit this helpful site. Sex for married people is an obligation not only for the purposes of procreation or erotic enjoyment but also for uniting the partners spiritually. Sex is the most powerful element in marriage because of what it connotes. It makes marriage sacred and is a builder of love and intimacy - such love and intimacy that is only reserved for married couples. The sacredness of sexual intercourse makes it an abomination for the unmarried to go into it. A marriage partner that does not understand the importance of sex in marriage will toy with it and expose his or her marriage to dangers. In my position as a pastor, I have observed lot of problems in marriage as a result of a partner neglecting or denying the other partner this marital obligation. This problem occurs from two reasons. The first but inadvertent reason is the pre-marriage life one lived. Those who married as virgins, especially born-again Christians, take some time to adjust to marital sex life. Some of them continue to live with the notion that sex is sinful. They find it difficult to yield themselves to their husbands or wives. Initially, the man or woman may show some understanding but will become irritated if it continues will ultimately lead to problems in the marriage. If you’re on the verge of divorce… Or if your spouse is cheating on you… Or if your marriage JUST PLAIN ISN’T WORKING… I strongly urge you to read everything on the next page before it's too late and time runs out- Click Here The second cause, which is of more interest to us in this article, is deliberate and punitive. In that circumstance, sex becomes a weapon - a weapon of retaliation, intimidation and coercion. There will be no sex except something is promised in exchange. That is one sacrificing his or her marriage on the altar of narrow interest. By the time your partner starts looking elsewhere to satisfy that emotional urge, you will have yourself to blame. Sex is a duty every spouse owes his or her partner. There is no excuse for it. Any reason for not obliging it should be discussed and accepted by two of you. A married man is no longer the sole owner of his body. The same thing applies to a married woman. In all truth, your wife or husband owns your body more than you. So you should oblige any time he or she wants your body. By surrendering any time your partner needs you, you are protecting your marriage. Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was. Click here to save your marriage and rebuild it into a more connected, satisfying relationship.