Husband Needs Time To Think: Husband Needs Space To Find Himself
Familiarity breeds contempt - sounds familiar. Overcrowding your partner's life can actually prove adverse. On the other hand we also know 'out of sight is out of mind'.
Space is a double edged sword. Not giving it would mean being emotionally distant and by giving too much would mean cramming down the throat. Both could result in estrangement of relationship. The question then is - how much is too much and when is it too little?
The need for space is like a safety valve in a pressure cooker that releases steam when the pressure is too much in the container. Similarly, the need for space in a relationship is actually a self preservation process. It is the need to put things in perspective and also the need to steam off the pressure when things tend to overwhelm you. Both mean there is an issue which requires resolving.
Kamini and Gautham had a love marriage. Coming from diverse backgrounds they anticipated problems. But what they didn't foresee was its magnitude. What precipitated the matter was living with Gautham's parents. What made matters worse was Gautham's failure to comprehend the gravity of the situation.
The crux of the problem was lack of space and too much of it. Ironically both were present at the same time.
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Kamini was an only child from a nuclear family. Gautham had three other siblings to grow up with. So, physical space was a point of contention.
After marriage, Kamini resided in a two bedroom flat which housed her in-laws, Goutham and herself as well as her unmarried brother-in-law. There simply wasn't enough space. As a result of this there was no privacy. Moreover, Gautham's frequent late nights from office meant there was no scope for emotional intimacy. The wedge was widening between them. To top it all, Gautham's emotionally disturbed mother was constantly a third member present in the bedroom. Her latching on to her son overruled any attempts at bonding between Kamini and Gautham.
Gautham's inability to manage the situation made Kamini indifferent towards him. Though Kamini and Goutham live separately away from his parents, the damage was already done. Today, they live under the same roof but lead independent lives and the only meeting point being their son.
A couple that was so much in love has now nothing in common but their son. Would they be able to continue to lead separate lives while living under the same roof? Will that do good for the emotional security and development of the child? Surely at one point of time either or both of them could feel frustrated.
Who bells the cat? Kamini should to let go of the past. She has to accept Goutham for what he is (his faults and merits included) and move forward in her life. This is important for both her sake as well her son's. She needs to bridge the emotional space that has come between her and Gautham. Only then can the relationship be mended.
Simultaneously, Gautham needs to assess his conduct in the situation. By allowing his interfering parents to overwhelm his relationship with Kamini, Gautham alienated himself from his wife by taking solace in work. He should have realized that living in a small flat with more members than she was accustomed to, Kamini would have felt claustrophobic; he should have made prior arrangements to live separately while being able to meet his parents frequently. This way he could have balanced the space between his parents and his wife. By expecting his wife to adjust and not understanding her need for space, Gautham today is an unhappy man. He is neither able to reconcile with his wife nor get close to his parents. Both feel betrayed.
The need for space is grossly misinterpreted. The spatial dimensions in a relationship should actually benefit the concerned rather than hinder the prospects of emotional fulfillment and growth. How much space is enough space? After all, for every 'out of sight out of mind' there is a counter which says 'absence makes heart grow fonder.' One needs to arrive at it only through consensus and see what works best!
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For most people, marriage is a very utilitarian pursuit. Few of them can find as much stability in all parts of their lives living as single beings instead of enjoying the benefits of married life. To reap these benefits, however, it becomes necessary not only to marry but also to maintain a happy, healthy relationship which will fulfill the needs for financial, emotional, and personal stability. A happy, lasting marriage requires an effort from both partners which has to include tolerance, caring, and commitment. In addition, both partners must strive to ensure the happiness of each other. If these things don't happen, a marriage is never going to last. Read on to discover tips for making your marriage strong and happy.
Never let a day go by without spending time truly communicating with your spouse. It's vital that you stay in touch with each others' lives even if you're both very busy. Even long distance phone conversations can help keep you together. Share the events of your daily lives, your feelings for each other, your worries and concerns, and moments of joy. Be sure to listen to what your partner has to say, even if it isn't particularly interesting to you. Even listening to the driest conversation about work-related issues can help provide the glue that will hold the two of you together in a happy, healthy relationship.
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Spend time analyzing your relationship. Where have you made mistakes in the past, and how can you avoid making them again in the future? If you can't come up with solutions to your problems alone, you may want to seek counseling that can help you get to the bottom of your problems and decide the correct course of action to fix them. You also need to think of times that you spent together that were particularly memorable and evoked the greatest memories of joy. Make plans for similar activities again. Doing the things you enjoy doing together can add a lot of dimension to your relationship.
Honesty and compromise are two more important aspects of any successful marriage. You have to be able to trust each other completely, or too much negativity is going to eat away at the bond between you. Talk things over, and be open and above-board about your life. Sometimes this will mean that you don't get to have things the way you would want them, but you have to remember that your marriage isn't just about you. It's about the two of you together, so compromise is going to be necessary and should come from both partners.
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Are you looking for the secret key to winning you husband back? Has he left or is he thinking about leaving or filing for a divorce? There are lots of techniques you can employ but the place to start is by changing what you have the most control over what is this one thing? Surprisingly it is yourself.
It can be tough to look in the mirror when the faults of your husband are so obvious. When you feel neglected, taken advantage of, or used the first thought to cross your mind is generally not "I wonder what part I play in this broker relationship?" Or "I wonder what he would change about me if he could?"
While these often are really hard questions to ask and sometime even harder to act upon remember that as you look in the mirror you are looking at the one area you have the most control over. You may not be able to control how he looks at other women, spends money, or when he comes home, but you have all the control in the world over the way you respond to him, the way you communicate, and the way you show respect. It really is all you can do in many cases and can be the number one key to winning back your husband.
Often times as one spouse changes for the better the other one will take notice and will often feel motivated to change as well. If suddenly they are met with kindness it can be increasingly difficult to respond with hostility. These simple things that you have control over can be the very things that he responds to and the very things that could be used to save your marriage.
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Fighting is normal within any long-term relationship, but when you fight are you acting out on revenge? Fighting for revenge might bring out escalated fights with negative responses that can destroy any marriage because they spiral into anger and frustration. Or do you avoid fighting? If there isn't any fighting, then long-brewing resentments may boil over and eat at the relationship like a cancer.
There is a solution to this and it begins by fighting fair and sticking to these following ground rules.
The Rules of Fighting Fair
- Maintain control. Keep your voice calm and use statements such as, "I feel diminished when you say that my job doesn't matter," instead of saying, "You always," "I'm the only one who does any work around here," and "You never." Don't call your partner names, don't imitate threats or ultimatums. In short, don't say harsh words that may not be taken back.
- Fight away from the children Fight in private, not outside in the street. Also, don't fight in front of the kids.
- Keep it relevant. Don't bring up slights from ten years ago. Keep the argument to the point, be specific and have a goal in mind of why you're fighting in the first place. Try to deal with one issue at a time. Your goal should be win-win and/or it should involve a compromise.
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- Use your active listening skills. Ask your partner to share his/her views while listening carefully and not interrupting. Then restate what your partner just said in way so that he/she knows you understand what was expressed.
- Have a time-limit to the fight. Agree that your fighting will have a definite stopping point so that you're not carrying the argument into your workday or into the next week.
- Don't withdraw. Don't walk away from a fight; this is cowardly and doesn't resolve anything. If you need a break, that's OK, but after your time-out resume your fight.
- Appreciate the other person when necessary. Acknowledge if the other person is right on the issue so that you have more leverage when you need to critique your partner.
And finally, you and your partner should resolve conflicts as soon as they arise and not wait until the time is right. If you are both busy, schedule a time for a discussion when you are both available, both mentally and physically. Fighting fair is the smart way to preserving your long-term relationship and to keep your own personal needs voiced.
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