“I Felt Suicidal!”

Went I went to a new salsa dancing class in the middle of 2010, there was one woman who caught my eye. And while we were dancing together, I asked her about where she was from and what she did, amongst others things.

I was pulled in by her appearance, and her easy going and friendly nature made me want to find out more about her. Once the lesson was over, I asked her if she would like to go for a drink sometime.

I Was Inspired

A few days after this we met around midday for a drink, and I was pretty much overwhelmed by her beauty. I was pleased that the work that I had been putting into this area of my life was finally paying off.

But even though her appearance had a big effect on me, I didn’t become someone else when I was around her. After this, we met up a few times and then it became clear that we wanted different things.

A Number of Months Later

Even so, we still got together from time to time, and towards the end of the year everything changed. We end up taking things to the next level, but this was something that only lasted for about a month.

But even though this didn’t last for very long, it ended up having a big effect on me. Emotionally, I ended up falling right down, and I wasn’t exactly sure about what I was going to do about it.

It Was Out of Proportion

I felt like an abandoned child and, due to how overwhelming this pain was, I just wanted my life to end. At one point I was on top of the world and then I ended up feeling extremely low.

It took me a number of months to get back on my feet, but it wasn’t long until the same thing happened again. I think the next time I felt this way was when I went over to Germany to meet a woman that I had met in Ibiza, towards the end of 2011.

The Opposite Direction

Yet, even before I felt this way after it came to an end with the woman I met at salsa, I had experienced a lot of pain when my time with a woman came to an end. It didn’t matter how long we were together for or how long we saw each other, as the amount of pai
I experienced was way out of proportion.

Once it was over with the woman who I met in Germany, I started to wonder if I wanted to get close to a woman again. While I had the desire to do so, I was also only too aware of how much pai
I had experienced by doing so.

Two Parts

However, while part of me was wondering if it was worth it, there was another part of me that wanted to know what was going on. This part of me wasn’t willing to accept what was going on; it wanted to know why I felt this way and then to do something about it.

It wasn’t long until I went through the whole experience again, though, as all this pain came up after I was with a woman in the beginning of 2013. I had developed the ability to observe my inner world at this point, but it didn’t make much of a difference; if anything, it simply allowed me to keep my head above water, so to speak.

Too Much to Handle

I was in a hell of a lot of emotional pain, and I was aware that a big part of me didn’t want to be here anymore. Fortunately, I was already working with a therapist who was helping me to process my emotions.

In addition to this, I was reading books on child devotement and I was searching the internet for answers. It was as though the adult part of me didn’t want to die, but another part of me couldn’t go on any more.

It Gradually Came Together

The adult part of me was only too aware of how much work I had put in to get to where I was; I wasn’t willing to throw it all away. As time went by and I continued to process the pain within me and to look for answers, I came to understand why I felt this way.

The part of me that experienced so much pain when a relationship came to an end and wanted to die was my inner child. I sensed that I had been abandoned as a baby and this was soon backed up by someone who looked after me when I was younger.

It All made Sense

When I was left as a baby it was unbearable, and at this age, the only way for this pain to end would have been for me to shut down or to die. It wasn’t as if I could have reached out for help and neither did I have the ability to handle my own emotions - I was completely powerless.

So, when a relationship came to an end, it caused this trauma to come up to the surface. The trouble was that although my body remembered, my mind had absolutely no idea what was going on.

One Outcome

I believed that there was a way for me to move beyond all this and to live a life that was a worth living. Through working with different people and trying different techniques, I was gradually able to move forward.