I'm Mad That I'm Never Good Enough!

OUCH! Before he turned off the engine as he pulled into the driveway, Mia got on his case. He never appreciated her, he hadn’t fixed the shower door, he failed to pick up their son from the child care facility on time, and he drank too much! Doug’s breath came hard and fast. He felt attacked with a barrage of unfair bullets that seemed to hit him unawares. He was unarmed and defenseless. His stomach was in knots, his blood pumped in his throat and temples as he struggled to survive. Big Hot Button Screeching Like a Siren A whole bunch of buttons had been pushed and Doug didn’t know how to tackle this confusing mess that coated his entire being. There was a huge big red button that was screeching out like a siren, called I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH! The Bedrock For This Hot Button Doug’s reacted strongly because he has a fundamental but unconscious belief that goes something like this: If I was doing everything right, my wife would be happy and be saying nice things to me. She is angry with me, and that can only mean that I haven’t pleased her, therefore I am not doing things properly. My efforts have fallen short. I am a failure. I hate myself. Satellite Buttons Around the main self-critical button several satellites were orbiting around pinging with amber lights flicking on and off. They were also triggered by the demeaning comments Dough heard from his wife. They are I’M NOT A PERFECT FATHER I’M A BAD PARENT LIKE MY PARENTS NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET IT RIGHT I CAN’T PLEASE THE IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE - I AM NO GOOD How can Doug Take The Sting Out of These Hot Buttons? Doug’s wife can aim accurately at Doug’s set of buttons because some part of him buys into the fact that he is not good enough. So Doug needs to do the following: 1. Change the measure by which he judges his worth. Reading the meter that records his wife’s state of pleasure in him is precarious, and subject to her moods. That means he needs to temper it with his own sense of the purity of his intentions. He shouldn't allow himself to be judged totally by her outward reactions. 2. Doug needs to rehearse all the ways he has done what he thinks is reasonable in his relationship and let that become his reliable guide. Making an effort to see himself as an equal part in the relationship will give him confidence that he can hang onto his beliefs. Doug needs to take the reins of the relationship in his own hands rather than give them up to his wife or child. 3. Once Doug can convince himself that he is a good parent, and husband the satellite buttons will slowly dissipate. They won’t feed the big hot button that underlies his low self-worth. 4. The belief that he isn’t good enough can be countered by homing in on evidence to the contrary. Making lists of all the good things that he has thought, done or intends to do can lay the foundation of self-esteem that can't get blown away by a stray comment from his loved ones. This process will eat away at the big hot button, which is less easy to see and manipulate. Take the relationship quiz and discover your relationship style profile at http://drjeanetteraymond.com/how_likely_you_are/ Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.