“I Wasn't Good Enough!”

When I finished school I had no idea what I was going to do, so I ended up going to a college to see what courses were on offer. During this time, I thought I would be good to study psychology, yet that was as far as it went.

I didn’t get very good grades at school, which meant that I was unable to take this route. Instead, I ended up study sport and leisure, and this wasn’t because I was really into sports or anything.

The Only Option

At the time, it seemed as though this was the only thing that I could do. I could have stayed at school for another two years, but this was not something that appealed to me; I didn’t want to go back there, I wanted a fresh start.

Once this course was over, I started to wonder what I was going to do again. I could have gone further with what I was doing, but this didn’t really interest me.

Another Shot

A Number of years after this, in 2005, I started to think about going back to college and studying psychology. I had been reading books on psychology for a number of years at this point, so I thought that I would be able to do it.

I was told that I would have to do a test and, if I passed this, I would be able to get onto a course. This course would last for around two years and this would then give me the grades to go to university.

High Up

I believed that the people who went to university were extremely bright, and that this was somewhere I had to go in order to “make it”. What played a part in me having this outlook was that so many of my friends had gone there, and as I hadn’t gone I felt as though I was inferior.

So as I was now moving in that direction, or so I thought, I felt that I was moving up to their level. When it came to the test that I would have to take, I thought that I would completely nail it.

I Was Wrong

When I got there, I was told that I would have to read a news paper article and then analyse it, and there might have been something else that I had to do, too. I struggled, and I was soon told that I wouldn’t be able to do the course.

I felt as though I didn’t have what it takes and that I wasn’t good enough. This was hard for me to handle; especially as I went in there with so much confidence.

I Had To Do Something

I ended up doing music technology instead, and while I was doing this I continued to read books on psychology. A few years after this, in 2008, I started to write a journal and, two years after that, I wrote my first article.

I hadn’t forgot about going to university, though, as I looked into if I could go there in 2011. It became clear that I now had the grades, thanks to the qualifications that I had after studying music technology for three years.

I Was To

However, I wasn’t completely sure that I even wanted to go to university and, along with this, my father was in hospital. I remember telling him about it before he went into hospital and he told me that I had to live my own life now, or something similar.

For years I had thought about being a psychologist; this sounded like the right thing for me to do. But I had changed a lot since I first wanted to study psychology, and I deep down another part of me wasn’t on board with this.

My Outlook

I knew that I didn’t have all the big qualifications, but what I did have were the articles that I had written. This caused me to believe that if I could get an interview, I would be able to get into a top university.

I found out that I would be able to go to a university nearby, but this didn’t really appeal to me. I applied to go to Bath University but I didn’t get in, yet it didn’t have much of an effect on me.

I Had Found Something

What made a big difference is that I was now writing articles, and this was something that I enjoyed doing. I felt incredibly grateful that I could now do something, as I had been looking for something for most of my life.

I had always admired the people who had a purpose and a reason to get up each day. I thought for years about how I would do anything to have my own purpose, and now that I had one I wasn’t going to waste the opportunity that I had been given.

Overlooked

For years I had felt as though I there wasn’t anything that I was really good at; it was as though I had been left out in the cold. This was a time when I would only write about one article a week.

About a year after this I received an email from someone called Paula Durlofsky, who had a Ph.D in psychology; this was after I had left a comment on her blog. She gave me a lot of positive feedback and this had a big effect on me.

The Roots

The foundations were being laid during this time and I received a lot more positive feedback from people, which gave me even more belief in what I was doing. There were plenty of distractions, but I wasn’t willing to stop what I was doing.

And, to this day, my commitment remains as strong as ever. If someone had told me that I would be writing articles and books when I was older, I probably would have said that they were talking nonsense.