“I work so hard for my relationship...so where's my payoff?”

Does it seem to you that you're always the one in your relationship being flexible, giving and self-sacrificing? If it does, you're not alone. Many men feel like they bear the brunt of the work. They keep the yard mowed, go to work everyday, change the oil in the car, watch the kids and are expected to be ready with cards, flowers and romance at the drop of a hat. Many women feel as if the bulk of the load is dropped on their shoulders. They wipe kids' snotty noses, do huge amounts of laundry, hold down demanding jobs, and are expected to look pretty and be ready for sexual intimacy at the end of a long day. Of course, not all men are like this; not all women are like this either. In today's world, the tasks and responsibilities that men and women carry out on a daily basis are more shared than ever before. The point, however, is that both men and women work hard in life. They work hard for their families, at their jobs and at home. They also tend to work hard at their relationships. It is common, for example, for some women to feel responsible for the emotional aspects of their love relationship or marriage. Keeping the conversation about emotions open and alive can seem as if it's “all up to them.” Some men, on the other hand, perceive that they have to be strong and reliable all of the time. This not only includes those physical chores, mentioned above, but also a willingness to listen and say “yes, dear” in order to keep the peace. As we said above, there are vastly different dynamics in every relationship. These are just tendencies. The roles might be reversed in your relationship. When you feel like you are working all of the time-- in whatever way-- for your partner and your relationship, you might find yourself wondering where the payoff is for you. At what point will you finally reap the relationship rewards? You might not want to admit that you feel this way, but it's likely that, on some level, you do. The result of perceiving that you're always bending over backwards, going the extra mile and working so very hard for your partner is usually resentment. As you probably already know, resentment will drive a wedge between you and your partner and cause disconnection. So what's the alte ative?... Start acting from the heart, from a place of love. If it seems to you that all you do is sacrifice for your relationship, we recommend that you stop right now. Make a shift before you cook a special dinner for your mate or arrange a weekend getaway-- or whatever else you were going to do-- if you feel like you're doing this solely for your partner's benefit. We want you to be selfish! Touch in with your heart and the feelings of love that you also receive from your relationship. Ask yourself if it would enhance your life in some way to do this. Keep in mind, when you act from your heart, you could feel joy and delight in taking your mate to the opera...even if you aren't an opera fan. It's all about that internal shift. When you no longer approach the actions you take in your relationship (and life) as hard work and, instead, allow the love and desire for connection to guide you, it all can become much easier. Recognize and celebrate all efforts. We understand, when you've put in a long week at the office and home and then your partner calls on you for some additional task, your focus is probably going to be centered on how challenging that extra effort is for you. We live from our own experiences, so this only makes sense. Where troubles arise for couples is when neither person acknowledges the contributions made by the other one. This breeds more resentment and disconnection. Get into the habit of recognizing the hard work that your partner does for you and your relationship. Yes, it might not always be the way you'd do something and it may not be exactly what you were wanting. But, some amount of effort was probably made. When your mate opens up and shares about his or her difficult day at work-- and this isn't what normally happens-- make note of this. As your partner steps up in some way, take a few seconds to inwardly appreciate that contribution. The more often you notice your partner's efforts, the more contributions you will probably be able to see. You can even begin to celebrate the way that the two of you work together-- as individuals and as a team-- to jointly create a closer relationship.