I've Had an Affair… Now What?

Michelle called me from San Francisco. She had found my website about the private marital therapy weekend intensives I do for couples in crisis.

Several days earlier, Michelle had admitted to her husband, Tom, that she was having an extramarital affair. The affair was with an old boyfriend who had contacted her on Facebook.

Tom was devastated by Michelle's revelation and now he was threatening to leave her.

Michelle was frantic. "I love Tom and I don't want to lose him!" she sobbed. "I've made a terrible mistake. How can I get him to stay?"

Below are some insights and tips I shared with Michele over the phone that helped save her marriage. They all have to do with recognizing the needs of a betrayed spouse.

If you've been having an affair, physical or emotional, these insights and tips will help you.

1. Insight: Your spouse needs you to terminate your affair immediately.

Tip: End it now, once and for all.

Do it by phone rather than in person. Ask your spouse to join you on the extension. Say, "It's over. Don't ever contact me again." Be firm and final.

Perhaps your affair was with a co-worker and you can't quit. If so, then interact only when you must for business purposes. Prohibit any personal conversation.

2. Insight: Your spouse needs you to give strong reassurances of your love and commitment.

Tip: Tell your spouse that you love him/her and that you are in the marriage to stay.

Be emphatic. Let your spouse know that he/she matters to you far more than does your affair partner.

Tell your spouse that you are willing to do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

3. Insight: Your spouse needs you to take full responsibility for your affair.

Tip: Do not blame your spouse, even if he/she was not meeting important needs for you.

There are other things you could have done about your unmet needs, like asking your spouse to join you in couple therapy.

Your infidelity was your choice and your choice alone.

4. Insight: Your spouse needs you to acknowledge the impact of your affair on him/her.

Tip: Do not minimize your affair.

Don't say, "It was nothing to me, so get over it."

Even if your affair now means little to you, to your spouse it is a major betrayal. It's rocked his/her world.

5. Insight: Your spouse needs you to listen to his/her feelings.

Tip: Encourage your partner to talk about the pain.

Remember, your spouse is severely traumatized. He/she may need to talk about the pain many times. That's the way trauma gets healed.

As hard as it is, listen to your partner's agony. Respond with heartfelt sorrow.

6. Insight: Your spouse needs to know what happened.

Tip: Answer your spouse's questions truthfully.

There are things he/she needs to know in order to make sense of your affair.

So answer your spouse's questions, but not all at once. Instead, share your answers over a few conversations. Respond to the easier questions first and the tougher ones later.

Avoid answering questions about romantic and sexual details. Answering these questions could deepen your partner's trauma and get in the way of the healing process.
After our phone conversation, Michelle pleaded with Tom to give their marriage a chance. She asked him to fly with her to Colorado to do a private marital therapy weekend intensive with me.

Tom accepted her invitation, even though he was close to leaving her.

For three days I worked with Tom and Michelle in a highly focused way. They connected with each other more deeply than ever before.

By the end of the weekend, Tom had agreed to keep working on the marriage. Also, he and Michele had made a strong start in the affair recovery process.

After they returned to San Francisco, I kept in touch. Now, three months later, they are closer than they've ever been.

In a recent phone conversation, Michelle said to me: "Flying to Colorado was the right decision. Our marriage was on the brink of divorce. Without quick intervention, it could easily have gone over the edge."

She added that their weekend intensive with me gave them the concentrated, uninterrupted time they needed to pull their marriage back from the brink and turn it around.
If you've been having an affair, physical or emotional, and you want to save your marriage, implement the insights and tips in this article. Also, find qualified professional help. There's hope for your marriage!

Couples in crisis fly in from all over the country to do private marital therapy weekend intensives with me.