DATING ADVICE: Ditch the Scarcity Mentality (“There Are No Good Men”) to Find a Good Man

I’ve noticed a tendency in many of my coaching clients above the age of 35. Many of these women are falling into the danger zone of believing there are no good men out there. Or at the very least, nowhere near enough of them.

“Scarcity mentality” is a bad place to hang out. As Norman Vincent Peale, the well-known philosopher and clergyman is famous for saying “We tend to get what we expect”.

How this plays itself out in your dating life is that if you expect there aren’t enough – or any – good available men, you’re going to get exactly that.

I can’t tell you how often, in the eight years I’ve been a relationship coach, I’ve seen women who believe that there are no good men turn out to be right. The flip side of this is also true – women who believe they’re going to meet a great man are also completely right.

WHAT IS YOUR BELIEF CREATING?

If you’re convinced there aren’t many/any good, single men out there, what are the likely ways you’ll be impacted?

1) How joyful, enthusiastic, positive or optimistic will you feel? What type of first impression will you probably make on someone? Probably a tad gloomy (and that would be understandable, with a belief that you’re not going to end up having what you want!). And don’t make the mistake of believing you will “pull it together” if you met a great guy. First impressions happen in a split second, and mostly at the subconscious level. As the old saying goes: “you don’t get a second chance at a first impression.”
2) Do you believe you will nurture and care for yourself (and put your best self forward) as well as you might if you were feeling hopeful? I’m not saying that how we feel about, or take care of, ourselves should EVER be tied to whether or not we’ve got a great man in our lives – or the hope of a great man - but frankly, from what I observe, it often does.
3) If you are convinced you are going to end up with a less than great man, what are the chances you could find yourself with a man that is capable of meeting your essentials for a relationship? Pretty low. This causes the dreaded dance: you settle in the beginning, then turn up the expectations volume later on, trying to get him to become what you really needed all along, only to be frustrated and resentful. He’s the same guy you started off with, after all, so he’s not going to change. Not dramatically, anyway. And definitely not under the threat of “you’re not good enough – change, or I’ll leave”.

If you’re in one of these dating relationships, do both of you a favor – end it. You deserve to have what you want, and you know what? So does he. You should both be with someone who thinks you’re great – just the way you are.

KEEPING THE FAITH

Do whatever you have to do, so that your faith is consistent. Pay attention to where and how you’re “gathering evidence”. Are you only listening to the women who complain there aren’t any good men out there, instead of watching the women who’ve found a good man and are having a ball? When you pick up a magazine that features one of those “It’s bad out there, and we’ve got all the stats to prove it”, do you read every word, or do you toss it aside and let someone else soak up all that negativity? Who are you hanging around with? Are your friends all in the “Woe is me” club?

THE 30-DAY CHALLENGE

Go on a “good news” diet. For a period of 30 days, keep your focus exclusively on all the stories (and believe me, there are plenty of them!) of women who are meeting and falling in love with (and marrying) great men. As I tell my single clients: “there are men everywhere!” As part of your 30-day program, also notice all the single men, whether or not they’re your type. What you focus on grows.

I know it’s hard to change habits. I really encourage you to be gentle and compassionate with yourself through this process, but DO IT. You already know how to get the results you’ve been getting. If you want different results, you’ll have to do different things. Keep in mind as you’re going through this process that if you already knew how, you’d be doing it, so you have to learn. What this requires is trying things you aren’t comfortable with, and getting help from people who know how to help you. Find a good coach or therapist (if you need to do some work to be ready), or read books.

CONCLUSION

There’s a great saying: “There is no reality, only perception”. In the world of dating, as in life, you will manifest what you expect. Although it can be a challenge to keep your attitude where it needs to be given all the doom-and-gloom “evidence” out there, you can - and must - do it. You deserve better results. Be one of those women out there who’s sure she’s going to be with a great man, and watch what happens. My guess is you’ll be whistling a happy tune. “Here Comes the Bride”, anyone?