Lack of Communication May Not Be The Problem

Many relationships are suffering from a lack of empathy. This is often mislabeled as a communication problem. This communication problem manifests as being able hear the words our partner says, but failing to hear the message they are trying to give us. We do not understand how they could think or feel the way they do. It simply does not make sense to us. For many clients, it is not that they cannot tell me what their partner is saying, they usually can state verbatim what their partner wants or needs, they have heard it often enough. It is that they just do not get it or that they do not agree with their partner. They are lacking empathy.

Empathy is the willingness and ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes; to do your best to see through their eyes and try to understand how they feel. What is it that makes it so hard to have empathy for our partner? All too frequently shame gets in the way. Our fears that we will never be good enough, or that we may be seen as weak sometimes make it difficult for us to listen to our partner's hurts and conce
s. We feel blamed and shamed. That shame feeds anger, aggression, hostility, depression, and loneliness. Our defences go up and our efforts to protect ourself leave both of us feeling alone. Empathy on the other hand, allows us to connect at the heart level.

According to Brene Brown empathy is the antidote to shame. Empathy can help us come out from behind the fortresses which we have erected to protect ourself, and become real and vulnerable with each other. Many people when they are hurt, especially when when the have been hurt repeatedly, withdraw behind psychological walls which although erected to protect, can actually end up keeping them from getting their needs met. They sit and hurt behind the walls, feeling empty and alone, dying for someone to reach them, all the while refusing to open up for fear of being hurt yet again.

When your partner brings up an issue or wants to talk about something that you have or have not done that has caused him/her pain, the knee jerk response frequently is to take a defensive stance, listening stops and you deflect, deny, detach, or discount. You may deflect by saying things like, “Well you do it too (or do something just as bad).” You may deny doing or saying or meaning any of what they are bringing up. You may detach, acting as though either you have not heard or are unconce
ed about what they are saying. You may discount their feelings or their complaints as silly, ridiculous or frivolous. Are you willing to be there to listen to your partner's hurt and pain or do you give them the message verbally or otherwise that you do not want to be bothered?

These and other defences keep the walls or armour up and keep you a prisoner of your own shame. Shame thrives in secrecy, silence and judgment. Our shame stops us from being close to each other. Choose to see your partner's approach, not as an attack on you, but rather a sharing of their thoughts and feelings. Taking an attitude of curiosity, rather than defence, can help you be more open to hearing and trying to understand your partner. The enemies of shame are openness, sharing and acceptance.

Empathy means that we not only hear what our partner is saying, but that we understand their perspective. Empathy allows us to connect with each other, it allows us to be there for each other, and it allows us to become a team.