Language of Trust

Maktub. A sacred word. Ancient people prayed to be given an insight into their destiny: to feel its eerie touch on their hair, to know what was written by Gods. They longed for it. They trusted without knowing, they believed without questioning it.

Why cannot we accept things the way they are?
Trust is not about religion, gender, race or ethnicity. It is a rather private area to intervene. I do apologise in advance for stirring the pot. I strongly believe that only by raising such a complex issue we can find our own voice.

To love and to be loved is one of the most natural feelings people inherit. It stays with us, sticks to us, gets under our skin. It also triggers self-defence mechanisms. As we do have a constant fear of been rejected the climax can be easily reached resulting in either extreme verbal and emotional diarrhea or constipation. At that stage individuals may choose reversing as an escape route. This happens due to the barriers, which we consciously build protecting our private space and feelings. ‘Glass walls’ can appear as a result of pure self-defence. In some cases it is down to deeply rooted mental processes. All of those are easily activated by some minute hinders causing a ‘snow ball effect’ as I call it. In order not to be trapped I would suggest trying to control those mechanisms.

What does language have to do with it?

The most fascinating thing about the way we use language is actually the fact that both sign production and creation are two equal parts of one process. Our inner production chain will have a direct effect on our outer speech. What we actually think on a concept level is then coded by means of either phonemes or letters. It happens instantaneously. In normal circumstances it is hardly noticeable. When self-defence mechanisms set off we can experience problems with communication as our speech production and control levels plummet.

Now imagine that your boss decides to send you to the most remote and rural part of China. Please note that destination is chosen for illustrative purposes only. I’m sure you can easily remember some other notoriously famous parts of the world. Now you have twelve hours to get on your plane and brace yourself for a challenge. As usual you are told that somebody will look after you. It’s not always the case. Reality is harsh. When you arrive guess what? Exactly! Nobody meets you! I think there’s no need to describe all the spectrum of emotions, feelings and reactions that suddenly flush over your overburden remains. What does happen to us in this particular frame? What about taking a closer look at the language we use in such ‘vomit reflux’ situations. The normal speech production pattern will follow the stages of:
1) Unawareness - blurred, infused with irritation, despair and anger.
The most common phrases are ‘What is going on?’ or a more elaborate one ‘Oh! It’s China! They have bad roads here. I’ll just wait for the next ten minutes’ resulting in timeless ‘I wonder if it’s because I’m not Chinese!’ Your brain will seek for logical explanation. Unfortunately the lack of it usually leads to a distorted language pattern, which in reality kills trust in its bud.

2) Reversing – acknowledging a problem and turning it into a potential threat for the hosting party. We love to reassure ourselves, don’t we? Pardon! What have you so heartily expressed?

‘What i….s! ‘Just let me talk to my boss!’ ‘How can you do it?! What an ignorant …!’

3) Complete disorientation – you suddenly realise that nobody expects you and the world is an oyster. Quite discouraging if you are not ready for it!

‘What am I going to do now?’ ‘I don’t speak Chinese!’

Guess how all normal people would react?
Start digging!

‘I wish I learnt it at school!’

Now ask yourself. What can you do in such a situation?
I don’t need to tell you. Many have been there before.

First of all you have already created barriers, those ‘glass walls’ which separate you from the rest of the Chinese world. You try to smile and be friendly and even talk to people. But it doesn’t always work, does it?

When we are swayed by emotions it is hard to keep up with our control levels. In case of negativity it’s also surprisingly easy to detect and people will seize the opportunity to virtually attack you. We reveal ourselves through our intonation and language, melody of our voices and words we use in every single moment, now and here.

What is in it for me?

The reason is too obvious – barriers! Arriving to a new place and embracing different culture with an open mind helps to avoid conventional barriers. Unfortunately we still tend to create them! As if it’s a vicious circle! We encounter unexpected, approach it as something hostile and therefore our perception changes, self-defence mechanisms trigger, we suddenly find ourselves blocked. You might be surprised to know that on a language level you can produce something decent: ‘It’s so nice to meet you!’

People will immediately get your message: ‘You are such an …! How can you eat this rubbish! Stop looking at me like that!’

Though it is quite common not everyone will follow this pattern.

Barriers do exist. One of the possible options to gain success in communication is to ‘stop even before start’. Stop shutting yourself from a new world. Always keep an open mind about adventures especially if you can learn something absolutely different. By positioning yourself as a ‘sponge of sponges’ you directly accept diversity and variety as an effective method to remove existing stereotypes and prejudices. Those are barriers as well. You also subconsciously acknowledge your own willingness to integrate and learn something new. We have power to remove barriers because in most cases we create them. We take control and responsibility either to build strong relationship or hide in a shell of egoism.

If you are happy to accept diversity what language will you use?

You might want to remember your last conversation to your partner. We’ll have every single emotion here. I won’t speculate about the percentage of positive and negative answers. What is remarkable tough is our ability to make direct connections between the feeling of trust and words. We tend to remove barriers if we are in a position to be trusted and we trust ourselves. We are prepared to share thoughts and ideas. Our language flows naturally. All the negative emotions fade away and we are happy to use the most inspiring vocabulary: positive, want, really like, love, superb, fantastic.

We feel secure. We know on the subconsciousness level when people are genuinely interested in what we do. Friendliness gives us hope that building further relationship is a strong possibility.

Trust is all about you!

Creating relationships built on trust is a rather demanding work! Is it worth it?

Why don’t you try?