Leadership: Take A Second Look

Leadership is an idea usually applied to business, sports, military strength and political challenges. Often when the word is spoken we think of leadership as bold, strong, sacrificial, also visionary, productive, able to move others.

Some of us are stuck with an ‘old’ definition of leadership under which we suffered. This is “my way or the highway” style of leadership or the “don’t let the door hit you in the butt as you leave” leadership. There are leaders who accomplished much at the cost of many. That paradigm – dominance, inequality, subservience – is not the one we have in mind when we talk about relational leadership.

We don’t often think of leadership in and within relationship. This issue introduces some ideas about leadership in marriage. We’ve come to see that the definition of leadership has evolved and is evolving and can be used to create a very different way of imagining how men and women create a vital marriage – a marriage that sings.

Relational leadership is not hierarchical, not ‘top down,’ not gender based and not authoritarian. Relational leadership requires the competencies of a mature listener, the authority of a well grounded self, the compassion of love actualized, and the skills of shared vision.

It is based on knowing who you are, having real information about the unique gift/s you bring to your loving, also the work of empathy – taking the time to know who your partner really is. It is consensual, honoring, proactive and above all based in deep appreciation and love for the one you love.

Leadership seen in this way has no room for diagnosis, analysis of the other, criticism, distance, competition or cynicism. It rejects fear as a basis for loving.

Leadership in marriage works to identify the issues that can be cooperatively addressed, tunes in to whoever in the family is leading at that moment, honors individual wisdom and insight and strives to hold everyone accountable for their contribution to successful communication.

Remarkably, leadership in the highest levels of corporate functioning follows the same rules - if it is to be effective. If not, every day will look a lot like yesterday.

Stephen Frueh PhD is a leadership coach and mentor, he delivers keynotes, workshops, and seminars on transforming the leadership paradigm.