Learning When to Say "I"m Sorry" Improves Self-Esteem

Some of us could greatly improve our self-esteem simply by learning to say 'I'm sorry'. For others, ironically, that change will come from learning to say it a little less. When genuinely felt and spoken, the word sorry has the power to bring about such positive change with another person or situation that it's magical. When overused, however, the word has the power to drain almost every bit of self-esteem out of us. Learning to say we're sorry can be difficult. It requires honesty, strength, courage and a little bit of humility. We have to entertain that we might be wrong, which hurts. Admitting that we are wrong, hurts even more. Sharing this admission can leave us feeling vulnerable. It can seem like respect, approval or trust is on the line and that can be overwhelming. So we sometimes dig in, stand our ground and protect ourselves from the embarrassment or judgment. We choose to be right. Conversely, listening to and accepting a genuine apology can also be difficult, for the same reasons. It, too, requires honesty, strength, courage and a little humility. By accepting an apology, we can no longer hold the other person responsible for our feelings. The remaining emotion is ours to deal with and that can be challenging. By not accepting the apology and continuing to blame another, we once again protect ourselves from those awkward feelings, at least short-term. Although it appears in both cases that we saved face on the outside, we have not done so on the inside. Deep down we know the truth and not telling it compromises our self-esteem. Many of us feel that by admitting we're wrong, we will somehow lose respect or trust with others.rnI believe the reverse is true. It's when we have the courage to account for our errors that trust is built, not just with others but with ourselves, as well. There is a paradox, though. At times, we can say sorry too much, which dilutes its value and, in the process, our sense of self. When we bump into someone, we say we're sorry. When we inadvertently interrupt a conversation, we quickly say sorry. The boss notices a mistake and our knee-jerk reaction is to jump up and say 'so sorry'. There are underlying feelings associated with the words we choose. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines sorry as feeling sorrow, regret, or penitence. If that is what we are truly feeling and we want to share it with someone, then this is the appropriate word. But if we accidentally bump into someone, although we may feel regretful, do we feel deep sorrow or repentance? Not really. Too many of us are walking around apologizing for simply living our lives, and that reinforces feelings of inadequacy and separateness. Why not try 'excuse me' instead? When you say this, you are accountable for your actions while acknowledging that these things do happen in life. It's not only a more appropriate response, it will actually make you feel better about yourself when you use it. If your boss points out an error, try saying 'thank you' instead of sorry? This not only acknowledges your inaccuracy, but creates a feeling of acceptance, learning and growth instead of judgment or criticism. You will go about your day more confidently instead of feeling like it was just ruined. Like anything else in life, making these changes requires practice and a commitment to self-improvement. Change begins with your choice for it. The next time you are feeling sorry, I hope you say so. The next time you hear a genuine apology, please consider accepting it. And, the next time you feel criticized, take a deep breath before you respond and ask yourself if this might be a good time to say 'thank you' instead of 'I'm sorry'. Timothy Barlow, Perspective Coach