Let Go of What was and What could have been…

“Take time to grieve my loss of the past and the loss of my future dreams and ambitions. Let go of what was and what could have been. “ ---Janie Smith

After my daughter’s accident it became evident that our life as we once knew it would be forever changed. My daughter may not be able to reach the career goals she had set for herself. It was possible that we may never see her graduate from high school or marry and have her own family.

I grieved of what was and quickly decided to let it go because these were “minor” issues compared to the current challenges we were now facing. Holding on to those unrealistic expectations would not serve me or Tanya well.

You may ask the question, “How can you give up on what Tanya may be able to accomplish? This is very limiting thinking.” My answer then and now is: I don’t really know what she will be capable of in the future. What I have to focus on is this present moment. What can she realistically do today?

After the accident, Tanya was like a newborn, starting all over again. My expectations needed to meet her current needs. Not from my perspective or ego-driven desire of what “could have been” would only add to everyone’s stress.

I’ve seen this in my own experience and in working with families with a loved one with a disability and “normal” people. Their expectations are beyond their loved ones capabilities in that moment. From my observations and perspective, by keeping the pressure on to achieve unrealistic goals we were actually counterproductive to our desired outcome.

I believe the important question to ask is: “Why do I hold onto impractical expectations?” Is it your ego? Trying to please others? Aren’t I SUPPOSED to dream BIG.” Or you fill in the blank. All I’m asking is that you be honest with your answer.

No one expects a newborn baby to walk and eat steak. This would be unrealistic expectations and considered abusive. Parents are to protect and nourish the newbo
with only mother’s milk or formula at the beginning. Being loving, kind, keeping the baby warm, fed and protected allows the baby the opportunity to grow and develop.

As the baby develops it’s time to introduce appropriate foods, provide the opportunities and encouragement to crawl and eventually walk. The important point here is to provide circumstances within their capabilities to grow. Expecting this to happen before he is ready creates unnecessary stress, no one wins.

Letting go of what was, my expectations, unrealistic goals and allowing Tanya to grow at her own pace gives her space to develop. This OPTIMUM space will open up her universe in the healthiest way.

It is when I “let go” of what Tanya “could have been” is when I experience incredible growth. This magnificent process relieves me of so much stress and gives me a lot of freedom to appreciate her just as she is now. It allows her the freedom to become who she is meant to be now, not who I thought she could have been.