Let’s Talk: 3 Tips for Livelier Conversations With Your Spouse

If you sometimes find yourself too tired or distracted to make conversation with your partner, or your conversations seem to be about routine things like the kids, the bills and the house, here are a few tips you can use right away to put some interest and spice back in your conversations with your partner: 1. Be fully engaged – Being fully engaged involves incorporating these powerful communication skills: Be genuinely interested – When you are interested in people, they know. Good conversationalists show their interest by focusing their attention on the person they are talking to. So when talking with your spouse make solid eye contact, nod in understanding, make short affirming comments, do not interrupt, and do not allow your attention to be diverted with distractions. Actively listen – Active listening skills include paying close attention to what is being said by your spouse and not thinking about what you are going to say next. Try paraphrasing back to your partner what you heard, and ask clarifying questions. These are effective techniques to ensure that you understand what your spouse has said and will make him or her feel heard, valued, loved and respected. 2. Don’t tell. Ask. – So you don’t have to feel the pressure of carrying the conversation by doing all the talking yourself, ask questions of your partner as well. By asking questions of your partner, it shows your interest and engages them further in the conversation. Close-ended questions are answered with a simple “yes” or “no” response. Therefore, ask open-ended questions which start with “Who”, “What”, “Why”, “When”, “Where”, or “How”. You can also say, “Tell me more.” Open-ended questions require that your partner share more about the topic, and often leads to stimulating and thought-provoking conversation . . . and lots of other good things – like a stronger connection and a healthier relationship. 3. Be curious. Too many times couples who’ve been together for a long time assume they know what the other person thinks and feels. Contrast this with how curious you were about each other when you were dating. Of course, you know each other better now; that’s one of the wonderful benefits of being married. But people are constantly developing and changing, and we should never assume we know everything about our spouse. If you maintain a curious mindset and don’t jump to conclusions, your spouse will be much more likely to open up.