Letting Go of the Need to Know

Question: Back in December I found myself at the edge of desperation. After months and months of constant prayer I started to wonder if God does exist or if it was just an illusion that we cling to in order to survive. I happened to be at my mother's house at the time to spend a few days during Christmas celebration. As I wondered about the existence of God I looked and guess what I saw on her bookshelf: How to Know God written by you. I felt a miracle had just occurred and that I would be able to find the answer(s). I read and became absorbed by the book and many questions became clear. I returned to Oregon, my place of residence, and another miracle took place. I was shopping with my daughter, we were looking at books and a young man that I had never seen in my life said You should read that book as he pointed to A New Earth by Tolle, and then you should read this other one The Power of Now, unless you are a very religious person. I picked up the first book he suggested and a week later I purchased the other one. I began to practice and meditate. I found your website and put the podcasts in my ipod. All these tools have given me much help and I am working on a daily basis to come out of the emotional turbulence that I find myself in at times. My problem is: I used to date this man who one day stopped calling and taking my phone calls. There are many details here and all I have hoped for is to know why. I've been in relationships in the past where I have been told: we should not see each other anymore, etc. That honesty made my life so much easier because I moved on and continued with my life without resentment nor anger. But not knowing? This has been like an emotional/psychological kidnapping and I am having a difficult time. Meditation after meditation, on a daily basis all I ask is to be free from this episode. I feel I have so many tools yet I feel so alone facing life and this particular task. I truly pray for this man that he may be well, that he does not lack anything and that he is happy. I work on forgiveness and I truly hold no anger anymore and if I catch myself feeling something negative towards him I immediately pray for good things for him. But at times I ask that questio Why? and I feel sad. It has been a year since the last time him and I spoke. I am not sure where to go from here and I hope you have a suggestion for me. I am really trying. Answer: Wanting to know why he left and will not talk to you so that you can find closure and move on is completely understandable. But sometimes life will just not provide us with the answers to the mystery, and that in itself can be instructive about what we need to let go of. Our small self tells us we need to have a clear understanding or explanation for why something happened and if we don’t get that we might feel sad or angry. We might think that it is the lack or presence of an explanation that is making us angry or at peace, but that is an illusion. Our internal state is preexisting, and exte al circumstances we superimpose on them are just pretexts. Recognizing that you can be completely happy and content without knowing why he left you is an important first step in breaking free from the conditioned expectation that you can’t move on without an answer. Breaking through that illusion is liberating, and I believe this breakthrough is what this entire episode is about for you. Love, Deepak