Love as you would like to be loved

Are you ready for love? Are you willing to take responsibility for co-creating the love relationship you desire?

One of the ten Biblical commandments is "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." I would like to expand that notion. Have you ever done for a friend or a loved one exactly what you would have liked him or her to do for you - and - not only ddi they not appreciate it but they didn't even like it. And you felt hurt, rejected, and unappreciated. Perhaps you started to feel that you give so much and they just don't reciprocate. If you had a heart to heart talk with this person, and really listened and heard what they said, you might be surprised to realize that what you have been giving, from your heart, is NOT WHAT THEY WANT.

It can be that simple. Many, many relationships suffer every day from the misconception that if I like something and I give that to another person, he or she will like receiving it. And, the corollary misbelief is that if that person is not showing appreciation it is because they have a character flaw. We probably will believe that they are not reciprocating because they are selfish, they don't care, they don't know how to love, they're unfair, etc.

Who gave you the idea and the belief that YOU know how to love, that the way YOU think and the way YOU give, is the RIGHT way, the caring way, the loving way? Who decided that you have cornered the market on loving and the other person is deficient?

Getting back to the Biblical statement, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," I believe we have developed an incorrect interpretation because our mind tends to think in a literal way. We do not have to do unto others exactly the way WE want done unto us. We need to do unto others the way THEY WANT DONE UNTO THEM. Why? Because we want others to do for us WHAT WE WANT DONE FOR US, not what they want to do but what we want. That is the mutual reciprocation.

But what is it that we want others to do for us? We often think we want others to praise and acknowledge us through their words, actions and behaviors. But have you ever been praised by someone who says the right words, does the right thing - for everyone? Have you ever caught a person just mouthing the words without any real heart and emotion to back it up? And, by the same token, have you ever been with someone who blurts out inappropriate remarks, who tells you what you do not want to hear, but who levels with you, is truthful with you, and is real with you?
Relationships are a work of art in progress. Each of us is the artist, influencing, altering, and re-creating the relationship. Each of us is also the artwork, the piece of art, being molded, affected, manipulated, challenged and ultimately changed - if we allow ourselves to be altered.

Our relationship becomes a third entity, a fragile masterpiece of art which is created moment by moment, molded by every single thought and word and action by each one of us. Some words and activities continue to build the relationship. Other words and actions chip away at the beautiful artwork that may have taken weeks, months, years or decades to build. And some actions and events are so powerful that they can literally rip the relationship from its foundation.

Relationships are powerfully strong entities. They often last through painful explosions, miserable nastiness, long periods of frustration, anger, isolation and pain. Relationships can also be quite fragile. Without the requisite nurturing and fondling, the love and attention and joy can wither away and any relationship can crumble.

So before embarking on a quest to find the love of your life, ask yourself not what can this person do for me, but what can I do for this person. And, at the same time, remember to ask yourself often: What would love do, now, not for the other person, but for me? The true artistry of relatoinship is maintaining a shifting balance of doing for the other, doing for yourself, and sharing intimate moments together.