Marital Insecurities

Question: I am struggling internally and I am not sure how to overcome my fears. My wife and I have been together for almost 15 years and this time last year we went through a phase where she questioned her love for me. To make a long story short, I found out that she was attracted to another man and that she was flirting with him at work. We have discussed this at length and are beyond things in the sense that we have renewed our love and bond for each other and have embraced the love we share with abandon. But she is pursuing or has pursued recently a relationship (friendship) with a buddy of the person she was attracted to and is not disclosing any information about this to me. I fear it is to stem a relationship or interaction with the person she was attracted to. I have always struggled with trust and jealously, with control and possessiveness but I thought I was making progress. I so want to let go and just trust in what I believe in my heart to be true but my ego stops me by creating suffering internally, feeding into my fear. I would like to discuss this with her but believe that she will feel that I don’t trust her and it will make the situation worse. I know that she doesn’t have to tell me everything that goes on and that she is free to make her own choices, I just cant seem to overcome my fear and its making my paradise, hell. Any advise on this would be appreciated. Answer: If this friendship is your wife’s way of avoiding the temptation of romantic relationship, then it would seem that is something you would be grateful for. It appears you are afraid this will lead to something more intimate. You need to look more deeply into your own fears and insecurities around this. Once you have a better sense what that is about, you can discuss it with your wife. If you talk about it in terms of your feelings and fears, she won’t feel like she’s being attacked or mistrusted. Ask her for her help in getting over your doubts and fears. Give her specific suggestions on what could make you feel reassured, without stating it as a demand or that it is her responsibility. Love,rnDeepak