Did you know that the beliefs you hold about
marriage can significantly impact the relationship you have with your spouse? You may chock up your beliefs to merely 'thoughts,' but they actually can mean the difference between you having the relationship you want and feeling dissatisfied or unhappy.
Unconscious beliefs are those thoughts that we habitually hold and then react from. Our unconscious beliefs may have been instilled within us from a very early age set by the example and teachings of the adults in our lives.
They aren't necessarily bad or good. But the potential danger of unconscious beliefs is that we don't tend to think about them. They just occur and we respond without really thinking about what's happening. Our unconscious beliefs don't always match what we are experiencing right now and are mostly rooted in the past. This can be hazardous to your own self-perceptions and also to your relationship.
When you take the time to recognize the unconscious beliefs you might have about marriage, you can begin to ask yourself which beliefs are serving you and your relationship and which are not. From that point, you can start to change your beliefs by changing your patterns of thinking.
But none of these changes can happen if you don't stop and take a look at what you believe and then match new thoughts with what you want for your life and marriage.
Here are a couple of common marriage beliefs that you may or may not hold. You can use these as a starting point for looking at your own marriage beliefs and then decide whether you'd like to make changes.nn
Marriage belief #1) “A marriage is pre-destined to succeed or fail.”
Although you may not identify with this belief at first read, think again. Many people tell themselves that certain marriages are simply destined to succeed and certain other marriages will ultimately fail.
For example, you might believe that high school sweethearts who get married will eventually divorce because they've never dated anyone else. On the other hand, your belief system might instead tell you that those who marry too quickly or after living together are doomed to fail. There are probably many who think that second or third marriages are bound for divorce.
There might be some kernel of accuracy in a percentage of cases for each of these beliefs. And your case may or may not follow the belief. But, ultimately, the so-called “success” or “failure” of a marriage is mostly dependent on the two people in the relationship and not so much on the circumstances of the marriage.
As a side note, we want to add that even when a marriage ends in divorce or separation, we do not consider this to be a “failure.” There are plenty of people who remain married but are unhappy and miserable and just as many who get divorced and end up feeling more satisfied and fulfilled with their lives than before.
Our intention is to help you enhance your marriage and feel more successful about your relationship experience. Exploring your beliefs is one way to release the blocks within your own self and make it easier for you to connect with your mate. nn
Marriage Belief #2) “Good marriages have no conflict.”
This conception of “good marriage” was vividly portrayed in some television marriages in the 1950s. Who can forget the Cleaver family in the “Leave it to Beaver” series. June and Ward Cleaver are the happily married couple with two sons who are never shown arguing-- with the possible exception of June gently goading Ward into completing household chores.
Most people did not grow up seeing real-life marriages quite so agreeable as the Cleaver's relationship. Unfortunately, too many children witnessed harsh and even violent interactions between the adults in their lives. And there were certainly also those whose parents hid conflict and pretended that all was well in their marriage, even though trouble lurked below the surface.
While logically you may know that conflict can crop up in even the best of marriages, you might still hold this unconscious belief to the contrary.
Your deep-down belief that “good marriages have no conflict,” might lead you to avoid speaking your truth with your mate. You might also worry when you do disagree with your spouse that it is a sign that your marriage is in jeopardy.
Stuffing down your true feelings in order to “keep the peace,” almost always leads to bigger and more dramatic conflict. We've found that when you address issues as you feel them, they can usually be more easily resolved.
And when disagreements or conflicts do arise, rather than worry about what it might mean, you can instead deal with whatever it is together and then take steps toward one another as you re-connect.
You might not realize that you hold a particular marriage belief until you are in the middle of difficult moment. It could be an argument you have with your spouse or it may be a magazine article about particular types of relationships.
Whatever triggers you to feel fear, worry or upset, take a moment and pay attention to your feelings. Ask yourself what the beliefs are that are linked in with these emotions. When you get to know these beliefs, you can more easily change your thinking.
As you change your thinking and beliefs, you will undoubtedly notice your responses to situations also change. These changes can allow you to communicate with your spouse more easily and love more completely.
Without those limiting marriage beliefs you might find yourself freer to experience the relationship that you've always wanted.